Training for a Marathon Marriage

by Linda Schulze, M.S.W., LCSW, Clinical Director

I recently returned from traveling to Myrtle Beach to support my husband who was running in a marathon there. I started to think how training for a marathon can give some perspective on the effort involved in a successful marriage.  First, a decision has to be made to commit to do what it takes to complete the journey.  Training for a marathon is hard work and involves training the body, mind and spirit for the task.  Marriage is also hard work and is most successful when we are purposeful to train the body, mind and spirit for the task of a healthy marriage.

In marathon training, the body work begins with running, running and more running.  Healthy eating and good rest are also very important.  Runners train their bodies to burn sugars and fats differently then sedentary people so that they can keep running for hours.  A married person uses their body differently than a single person as well.  In a marriage, it is important for partners to spend time together, to work on listening well to one another, to talk in a supportive way one another, and to commit to sexual intimacy with that one person.  It will enhance your marriage to train yourself to be willing to serve the other unexpectedly.  It will be easier and more natural in time.  Look at your marriage.  Do you involve yourself in an interest of your partner’s that is not your interest?  The long-term rewards in your marriage will be many when partners are willing to serve each other and be a part of each others’ interests. 

As runners choose to run even though they’re feeling out-of-sorts, to run when it’s raining outside, to run when their legs get heavy; they are training their mind to be strong through the challenges of the 26.2 miles.  You guessed it—our minds need training in marriage.  We see the good and the bad of our partners and we need to train our thoughts to focus on the good.  After I had my children, I gained 50 pounds.  My husband never said or communicated anything but love and attraction to me even with the extra weight.  Now that I’ve lost the weight, he still expresses love and attraction. He could have focused on the negative, but he did not.  He remained supportive and hopeful.  Our marriages will be stronger if we train our minds to have a hopeful perspective: to believe conflict can be resolved, to assume the best in our partners instead of the worst, to quickly recognize expectations and what to do about them.

A runner needs motivating words and friends to encourage their spirit.  As a Christian, I look to my relationship with God and with close friends to support my marriage.  Do you have people around you that treat their partners well?  Do they brag about their spouses or complain about them?  Choose to have friends that support your commitment to your relationship and are committed to theirs.  Choose a friend or counselor that you can trust to help you through the hard times in marriage, because everyone has those times as well. 

With training and work, like the runner, you can be successful!    

Intentional Relationships 101: Creating a Love Map

by Elisa Torell, M.A., LAPC

One of my guilty pleasures is watching “Say Yes to the Dress” on the TLC channel. This reality TV show is entirely devoted to which beautiful gown a girl will choose for the day she walks down the aisle to marry the love of her life. To me, it’s almost the epitome of our culture’s perception of true love! For most brides, it can be impossible to think that the dress and the day that she “has dreamed about her whole life” could result in anything but a perfect fairytale. And no man watches the “most beautiful woman he has ever seen” walk towards him to commit to the good and bad together with the thought that divorce may be only a few years down the road. They are in love, what could possibly change?

Yet after the honeymoon when all the excitement and glamour fades, too often couples experience a painful dose of reality—the reality that “staying in love” actually takes some intentional work! In his years of research with thousands couples, psychologist John Gottman claimed he could predict with 91 percent accuracy whether or not couples would divorce after observing them in as little as 5 minutes. Yikes! With so many varying opinions out there about what makes or breaks a relationship, Gottman has sought to use research to understand couples who have truly “made it work” and extract those common principles that have made them successful.

 A basic, yet vital, foundation of a healthy relationship is a thorough knowledge of your partner. When you first get to know someone, you must ask questions to find out his or her likes and dislikes, values, and passions. According to Gottman, healthy couples don’t stop there. They continue to keep themselves familiar with each other’s world on a consistent, even daily, basis. This requires making time for communicating and checking in with each other. It doesn’t mean a full-fledged Valentine’s Day event every week, but prioritizing each other in little ways to keep each other updated on facts and feelings that change in each other’s world. This includes everything from how he is adjusting to the new boss to her current favorite song, to the bigger things like goals, life worries, values, hopes and dreams. Such knowledge not only allows partners to truly love each other (how can you love what you don’t know?), but Gottman’s research also reveals that couples who have intimate knowledge of each other are better equipped to weather life’s stresses and conflicts.

            Below is fun, light-hearted exercise you and your partner can do together to check-in and see how well you know each other. Maybe set aside a date night to enjoy this together! This exercise and further principles dealing with conflict and cultivating a healthy relationship can be found in Gottman’s book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

The Love Map 20-Questions Game

Step 1:  Together with your partner, pick twenty randon mubers between 1 and 60. Each of you then should list the selected numbers on the left-hand side of a blank sheet of paper.

Step 2:  Starting at the top of your number collumn, match your numbers to the questions on the following list.  Each of you should ask your partner the question and decide if answered correctly.  If correct, the person answering receives the indicated points and the other receives 1 point.  If answered incorrectly, neither receives points.  Make sure you both take a turn asking and answering every question! The winner is the person with the higher score after all 20 questions have been answered.

1. Name my two closest friends. (2)
2. What is my favorite musical group, composer, or instrument? (2)
3. What was I wearing when we first met? (2)
4. Name one of my hobbies. (3)
5. Where was I born? (1)
6. What stresses am I facing right now? (4)
7. Describe in detail what I did today, or yesterday? (4)
8. When is my birthday? (1)
9. What is the date of our anniversary? (1)
10. Who is my favorite relative? (2)
11. What is my fondest unrealized dream? (5)
12. What is my favorite flower? (2)
13. What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios? (3)
14. What is my favorite time of day for lovemaking? (3)
15. What makes me feel most competent? (4)
16. What turns me on sexually? (3)
17. What is my favorite meal? (2)
18. What is my favorite way to spend an evening? (2)
19. What is my favorite color? (1)
20. What personal improvements do I want to make in my life? (4)
21. What kind of present would I like best? (2)
22. What was one of my best childhood experiences? (2)
23. What was my favorite vacation? (2)
24. What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed? (4)
25. Who is my greatest source of support (other than you)? (3)
26. What is my favorite sport? (2)
27. What do I most like to do with time off? (2)
28. What is one of my favorite weekend activities? (2)
29. What is my favorite getaway place? (3)
30. What is my favorite movie? (2)
31. What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them? (4)
32. What are some of my favorite ways to work out? (2)
33. Who was my best friend in childhood? (3)
34. What is one of my favorite magazines? (2)
35. Name one of my major rivals or “enemies”. (3)
36. What would I consider my ideal job? (4)
37. What do I fear the most? (4)
38. Who is my least favorite relative? (3)
39. What is my favorite holiday? (2)
40. What kinds of books do I most like to read? (3)
41. What is my favorite TV show? (2)
42. Which side of the bed do I prefer? (2)
43. What am I most sad about? (4)
44. Name one of my concerns or worries. (4)
45. What medical problems do I worry about? (2)
46. What was my most embarrassing moment? (3)
47. What was my worst childhood experience? (3)
48. Name two of the people I most admire. (4)
49. Name my major rival or enemy. (3)
50. Of all the people we both know, who do I like the least? (3)
51. What is one of my favorite desserts? (2)
52. What is my social security number? (2)
53. Name one of my favorite novels. (2)
54. What is my favorite restaurant? (2)
55. What are two of my aspirations, hopes, and wishes? (4)
56. Do I have a secret ambition?  What is it? (4)
57. What foods do I hate? (2)
58. What is my favorite animal? (2)
59. What is my favorite song? (2)
60. Which sports team is my favorite? (2)

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.

What is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)?

by Deb Torell, M.A., LMFT, LPC

Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, is a type of depression that affects a person during the same season each year. If you get depressed in the winter, but feel better in spring and summer, you may have SAD.

Anyone can get SAD, but it is more common in areas of the country where winter days are very short.  Women are affected more often than men.

If you have SAD, you may feel grumpy, moody or anxious, lose interest in your usual activities, eat more, crave carbohydrates and therefore gain weight, and sleep more or feel drowsy during the day. You may withdraw socially, have a loss of energy, and feel depressed and hopeless.

For most people, symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months.  By April or May, you feel much better and have more energy.

It’s normal to have some days when you feel down, but if you feel down for days at a time and can’t seem to get motivated to do activities you normally enjoy, see your doctor or a counselor.  This is particularly important if you notice that your sleep patterns and appetite have changed, or if you feel hopeless, think about suicide, or find yourself turning to alcohol for comfort or relaxation.

The following criteria must be met for a diagnosis of SAD:

·         You experience depression and other symptoms for at least two consecutive years, during the same season every year.

·         These periods of depression are followed by periods without depression.

·         There are no other explanations for the changes in your mood without depression.

Treatment for SAD includes light therapy (phototherapy), psychotherapy and medications.  You can also make lifestyle changes that may help. These include getting outside more, exercising regularly and making your environment sunnier and brighter.

 There is no way to prevent the development of SAD, but if you take steps early on to manage symptoms, you may be able to prevent them from getting worse over time.  While symptoms usually get better on their own with the change of seasons, symptoms can improve more quickly with treatment.  Don’t brush off that yearly feeling as simply a case of the “winter blues” or a seasonal funk you have to tough out on your own.  Take steps to keep your mood and motivation steady throughout the year.

Keys to Better Holiday Communication

by Joyce Geddie, M.A., R.N., LAPC

The holidays can be a wonderful, yet very stressful time of the year. Healthy communication is an important aspect of our relationships any time of the year, but this time of year all too often we carry additional expectations, recall past hurts and disappointments, and engage in conflict  with those we most long to connect with.

The main reasons people have difficulty expressing themselves is because of the fear of being discounted or ignored, rejected, embarrassed, or people fear being too vulnerable with the other person (Balswick & Balswick, 2007). One of the hallmarks of high-functioning families is that they communicate to each other in a way that honestly expresses their feelings and concerns in a clear, respectful manner and they in turn empathetically listen, consider and respond appropriately. Of course, that is easier said than done.

The good news is that if you’d like to see improvements in the way your family communicates, change can begin with you. We can all become better communicators if we begin to increase our awareness, slow down our responses and clarify within ourselves what needs and desires we have before we attempt to communicate them. Taking time to pause and to think how we can best word our concerns without inflicting angry or painful words on others is always helpful. Communication must be void of destructive criticisms, resentments, and threats in order to promote intimacy. If intense negative thoughts and emotions are brewing just under the surface, it can be very difficult to be open to understanding and respectfully listening to what a family member is saying. It is often very helpful to communicate in a clear, non-demanding fashion to family members and is unrealistic to expect them to read our minds and know what we need from them.

  We are all in a constant state of communicating with others, whether it is verbally, nonverbally, or both. It can be a valuable exercise to be aware of our own reactions to others’ nonverbal communication and even to consider clarifying our interpretations with them rather than making incorrect assumptions about the message we think they are sending.

Additionally, being aware of our own nonverbal communication helps us to investigate our current feelings and consider any unresolved emotions our bodies may be physically reacting to. If we learn to consistently communicate clearly with honor and respect, it typically produces less of a defensive reaction in others, and they are more inclined to try to understand and hear what is being said.

As we become more self-aware of our own motives, our nonverbal communication, any unresolved emotions, or attempts to control others responses, we can begin to make positive changes that produce a powerful impetus towards better family communication. Successfully communicating is not an easy task and be aware you won’t get it right every time you try, but even little steps can provide you with more peace this stressful holiday season.

 If you need more assistance in learning effective communication, we have a wonderful group of counselors at Fountain Gate who are more than happy to assist you with your goals. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

References

Balswick, J. O., & Balswick, J. K. (2007). The family: A Christian perspective on the contemporary home. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Publishing Group.

     

Teaching Your Child Self-Control

by Marian Andrews, M.S.W., LCSW, Certified Parent Coach

Children are not born with self-control. In fact, as babies they communicate by crying and they learn to expect someone to know what their needs are and take care of them. As a child becomes mobile, he begins moving from dependence on others to care for him to ultimate independence with the ability to do things and care for himself. However the road to independence is paved with frustration. Children begin to learn very quickly that they frequently don't get what they want, when they want it, and how they want it. Children often become frustrated very easily and they don't know how to communicate their feelings.

As parents, it is our job to teach our kids life skills that make them independent. Self-control and the ability to communicate their feelings appropriately are two of the most important life skills that we can teach our children. A child is naturally frustrated and often communicates that frustration in inappropriate ways. As parents, it is our job to teach our children what is acceptable behavior and how to handle his frustration. One of the concrete ways we begin that process of learning self-control is to tell our children "no" and "wait". As parents, we have to assume the job of being the one to say no or to say wait and then we have to enforce that we mean what we say. In this culture, we often become more concerned about not making our children “unhappy" rather than teaching them to handle the words “no” and “wait.” If we focus primarily on keeping our children “happy," we rob them of learning the critical life skill of self-control.

As parents we teach our children first and primarily by modeling self-controlled behavior. As our child's frustration level builds, we want them to take time to get control and express their emotions with appropriate voices and behavior. Therefore it is important that as we set appropriate limits for our children, we take a moment to be in control and speak in a calm, even tempered voice that communicates that we mean business. It is important that we give clear and concrete guidelines for what we want them to do and that we maintain control ourselves while we do that. We must be willing to follow through with consequences if our child's behavior is inappropriate so that they will learn to trust that we mean what we say.