tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14527417111807901582024-03-21T12:45:09.657-07:00Fountain Gate Counseling CenterUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-13853942022715684602013-12-11T07:06:00.001-08:002013-12-11T07:08:02.671-08:00WSB-TV's People to People Spotlight on Fountain Gate<object id="flashObj" width="500" height="392" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=9,0,47,0"><param name="movie" value="http://c.brightcove.com/services/viewer/federated_f9?isVid=1" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="flashVars" value="videoId=2915644873001&linkBaseURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.wsbtv.com%2Fvideos%2Fnews%2Fp2p-fountain-gate%2FvCKz64%2F&playerID=836827756001&playerKey=AQ~~,AAAAFIvhljk~,Nz7UFI321EYSAUsYGYx5WAk9m9XiXaY8&domain=embed&dynamicStreaming=true" /><param name="base" value="http://admin.brightcove.com" /><param name="seamlesstabbing" value="false" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><param name="swLiveConnect" value="true" /><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always" /><embed src="http://c.brightcove.com/services/viewer/federated_f9?isVid=1" bgcolor="#FFFFFF" flashVars="videoId=2915644873001&linkBaseURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.wsbtv.com%2Fvideos%2Fnews%2Fp2p-fountain-gate%2FvCKz64%2F&playerID=836827756001&playerKey=AQ~~,AAAAFIvhljk~,Nz7UFI321EYSAUsYGYx5WAk9m9XiXaY8&domain=embed&dynamicStreaming=true" base="http://admin.brightcove.com" name="flashObj" width="615" height="392" seamlesstabbing="false" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowFullScreen="true" swLiveConnect="true" allowScriptAccess="always" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/shockwave/download/index.cgi?P1_Prod_Version=ShockwaveFlash"></embed></object><p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-86617722194776330952013-11-21T12:12:00.004-08:002013-11-22T13:30:21.488-08:00Making Difficult Conversations Less Difficult<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">by </span><a href="http://fountaingate.com/staff-joyce-geddie" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Joyce Geddie, M.A., RN, LAPC</span></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpPAPtlxg7gTzyA3d7FCmuTk1CAGu2WrSj-6FklaOtg5_R8mBRDYl-1FH_sReTdeYk-7UJyIGsd4_eo0yJD2keY9s035dQzLrY2nb9rfbHfj0F7WQX1VzrjYkb78gxdV1hv8lJrVzETIM/s1600/R0334-175.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpPAPtlxg7gTzyA3d7FCmuTk1CAGu2WrSj-6FklaOtg5_R8mBRDYl-1FH_sReTdeYk-7UJyIGsd4_eo0yJD2keY9s035dQzLrY2nb9rfbHfj0F7WQX1VzrjYkb78gxdV1hv8lJrVzETIM/s1600/R0334-175.jpg" /></span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">As we
approach the holidays, many of us will face a difficult conversation with relatives, in-laws, or even our spouse. So what is it
that makes a conversation difficult? How do we navigate in the midst of a
difficult conversation so the relationship can stay afloat and not crash on
impact?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m glad you asked. Members of
the Harvard Negotiation Project put their findings together and wrote a book
called, <u>Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most</u>. While a
newsletter only allows me to give you some highlights of their findings, I
encourage you to read the book if you find the information I’m sharing
informative.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">The authors
describe three types of difficult conversations:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">The “What happened?” conversations</span></b><span style="line-height: 115%;">. These are conversations where
someone makes assumptions about what happened and are based on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">what we believe to be true</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">what intentions they believe the other person
has, and tends to use blame</i>. </span>The hallmark of these conversations is
people disagree, and while arguing feels natural, it’s not helpful. When people
disagree, we often assume they are being selfish, controlling, naïve, or
irrational so we try to break through by persistence, by educating them, or
pretending it doesn’t matter. Unfortunately none of these tactics work because
people typically do not change unless they feel heard.<span style="line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">The Feelings Conversations</span></b><span style="line-height: 115%;">: Naturally strong feelings arise
when we engage in a difficult conversation, so it isn’t about pretending we
don’t have feelings, it’s what we do with them. Strong feelings make it hard to
be rational and they can cloud judgment. It’s challenging to talk about
feelings because it makes us feel more vulnerable, but not talking about them
can make them fester, so finding ways to talk about them involves some skill.
Here are a couple pointers about how to bring up feelings in a conversation: 1)
Start by sorting out what you are feeling. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2) Negotiate with your feelings. What are you
telling yourself that makes you feel like you do? Questions you may want to ask
yourself: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What might the other person’s
story be? How does my view of their intentions affect how I feel? How might my
actions have impacted them?</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Can I
describe the other person’s contribution without blaming? </i>and 3) Share your
actual feelings, not judgments or attributions about the other person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Identity Conversations: </span></b>These
conversations are about who we are and how we see ourselves. For example: If
you ask for a raise, and your boss says no, even though you have the self-image
you are a competent, respected employee, it can feel like your self-image is on
the line. You could lose confidence, forget what you want to say, or feel
paralyzed. There are three common identity themes: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Am I competent?...Am I a good person?...Am I worthy of love?</i>
Grappling with these identity issues is what life and growth are all about. The
truth about us is that we all make mistakes and admitting a mistake doesn’t
make you weak or incompetent. Be honest with yourself that you won’t always
have purely positive motives, because motivations are complex and multifaceted.
Take responsibility for what you may have contributed to the problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do not define your identity on the basis of
a difficult conversation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Four things to do to
help you maintain your balance before or during a difficult conversation:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">1) Let go of trying to
control their reaction. It’s understandable you don’t want to hurt them, but
you have no power over their reaction, and it can be destructive to try.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>2) Project yourself into your future, and reassure yourself you will
eventually feel better. Imagine that you will learn from the experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>3)
Sometimes you may find you feel too overwhelmed or too close to the problem and
you need time to untangle your thoughts. Ask to take a break to think about it,
check for any distortions or gaps in your perception, and give yourself time to
regain your balance rather than say things that may make it worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>4) While you may be aware
during the difficult conversation that you are struggling with an identity
issue, sharing it explicitly in the conversation probably won’t move it
forward. Recognize identity is something you need to work out on your own. Find
the courage to ask for help. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Here are some liberating assumptions related to identity: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">It’s not all my responsibility to make things better…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is
my responsibility to do my best…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
have limitations too… </span></i><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">They can’t change overnight...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
conflict is not who I am… Letting go doesn’t mean I no longer care.</i></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Speaking of getting help, remember Fountain Gate for all your
counseling needs. You may even want to recommend it for someone with who you
have difficult conversations with, but remember that too may be a difficult
conversation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Happy Thanksgiving!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Stone, D., Patton, B, & Heen, S. (1999). <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What
Matters Most.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>New York, NY: Penquin
Group (USA) Inc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-56419624052431268872013-10-04T09:48:00.003-07:002013-10-04T09:52:20.210-07:00Grace in Transitionsby <a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-deb-torell" target="_blank">Deb Torell, M.A., LPC, LMFT</a><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsv3sFWq25xSxoYieCtXkGxwLjN1ReRwZw8VaVjsFbMbJjVc1T0_eHIR_Xpth220JQBJJFaG227JpR-zdToAjsqnDESOZBOREKzG_18-H5OrIYvue9K0AFLcQXg7pVNjAuWDk42A9jTVk/s1600/R289-175.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Deb Torell, M.A., LPC, LMFT" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsv3sFWq25xSxoYieCtXkGxwLjN1ReRwZw8VaVjsFbMbJjVc1T0_eHIR_Xpth220JQBJJFaG227JpR-zdToAjsqnDESOZBOREKzG_18-H5OrIYvue9K0AFLcQXg7pVNjAuWDk42A9jTVk/s1600/R289-175.jpg" title="Deb Torell, M.A., LPC, LMFT" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
George looked out the front window of his home, noticing
with alarm the funnel cloud moving in slow motion toward his neighborhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He heard the tornado sirens go off and quickly
ushered his wife, his three small children, and the family dog into the
basement just as the winds hit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In less
than 60 seconds the neighborhood that he had lived in for much of his life was
decimated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>George and his family and
their neighbors were alive, but their formerly stable, secure, kind of “ho-hum”
existence was instantly transformed into a nightmare of homelessness and
uncertainty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They would need a great
deal of grace in the days ahead.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Mary could
not wait for the big wedding day coming up in a few short weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She and Rick had met in college, courted for
a year and a half, saved their money, and excitedly planned for this day to
come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything would be perfect; her
dress, the music, the food, the presence of her friends and family, and then
the honeymoon!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She and Rick were as
prepared as they felt they could be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
transitions always bring some surprises. What would they be?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Going from singleness to a twosome is a
transition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whether easy or hard, they
would need grace in the days ahead.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Helen went
in to work as usual this Friday morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She had been working as an administrative assistant in this company for
18 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was hoping to be able to
work until she reached the age of 68; this would enhance her retirement
portfolio and give her a better feeling of security after the death of her
husband two years ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On her desk was
an envelope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She opened it to find a
pink slip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What a way to announce the
downsizing!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her world suddenly caved in
and she unexpectedly was in the midst of a transition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She would need a good deal of grace in the
days ahead.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Stability,
according to Webster’s Dictionary, is the quality or state of being firmly
established.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is predictable,
constant, and unchanging; helping us to feel secure and safe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all desire stability in our lives and work
hard to keep it when we have it. </div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Death of a
loved one, a diagnosis of cancer, a car accident; these can all be
destabilizing events. Transition has to do with the passage or movement from
one state, subject or place to another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having
to go through transition upsets our equilibrium; our security and safety are
challenged!</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Every
person on the planet goes through one or more transitions at various times in
life and sometimes more than one transition at a time!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How we manage the upset of our stability and
equilibrium, and how we work to find our way back to some sense of firm ground and
“normality” takes time and patience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What
do we need in the moments, hours, days and weeks when something is ending, and
something else beginning, whether welcome or not?</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Grace,
according to Webster’s, is “a virtue coming from God.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a sense of mercy such that, ”even in
this time of turmoil, I will be here to support you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feeling alone in our suffering seems to multiply
our pain, our anxiety and our grief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So
one of the first resources we need are <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">supportive
people</b> around us to listen to us and to offer practical help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many, many people come to counseling during a
time of transition, or when the instability becomes overwhelming, and they need
a supportive listener on the journey.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Allowing
ourselves to <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">grieve</b> any loss or
sense of loss is an important part of transition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When something devastating happens to us, it
is normal to feel sadness and to cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Tears have a cleansing effect on our physiology.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did you know that when you cry, you are
actually releasing the stress hormone, cortisol, from your body? Transitions
are naturally a more stressful time in life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Allow yourself to experience, on an emotional level, whatever you need
to experience to help you through the transition period.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We need to
give ourselves time to <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">process</b> the
transition. Often in the midst of a transition there is a struggle to let go of
the former; a struggle to accept what is new and different, and a period of
adjustment as we explore what the unknown future or the “new normal” that is
going to begin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Depending on the loss we
can be sad or anxious; feel like we are in the dark and/or resistive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All this re-adjusting takes some time and
grace, both with others and with ourselves.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>At some
point in the process of our transition we may “get stuck” in the process and
not know how to move forward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This calls
for a period of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">discernment.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Discernment is the ability to listen to our
deepest longings as well as the outer events that might point us into a new
direction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a time to gather
information, consider options, get advice and support, and then wait for
answers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">time of waiting</b> can be difficult and support is helpful!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is also a time when many people come for
counseling, not to get advice necessarily, but to have an interested listener
as a sounding board to clarify and validate the discernment process.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Finally,
once a direction becomes clear we will need <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">courage</b> to risk a new action and make a new beginning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once we make this decision to move forward
into something new we are almost through the transition!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This new beginning has the potential to give
us new meaning and contribute in a new way to our identity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How well it flourishes and bears fruit in our
lives is another grace. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And for that we
can be thankful.<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-62550284596594841162013-09-05T11:43:00.000-07:002013-09-09T12:37:56.204-07:00Balancing the Give and Take in Your Relationship<br />
<h2 class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-size: small;">by <a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-tiffany-kingsfield" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"><span style="color: #660000;">Tiffany Kingsfield, M.A., LAPC</span></a></span></o:p></h2>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-tiffany-kingsfield" imageanchor="1" rel="nofollow" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" target="_blank"><img alt="Tiffany Kingsfield" border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWNzbzv1tSDP2gaMyOdlAuTH5wds0iJb0q_HtYVWMWvxl5Cyirro341TD48MTOoYYfssXCSnxafCMPicObAOGKuRNXgUEpBJxS2PnSlWHl38SQ53p8bip8Kj1Cmu41izj1nMykb1tOInI/s200/Tiff175+(2).jpg" title="Tiffany Kingsfield" width="132" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Tiffany Kingsfield, M.A., LAPC</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<strong><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="color: black;">Romantic relationships: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What else in life provide so much joy, but can
also cause such profound pain? <o:p></o:p></span></strong></div>
<span style="color: black;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In “Love Busters: Protecting your Relationship
from Habits that Destroy Romantic Love,” Willard F. Harley, Jr. explains the
six primary “Love Busters” that damage relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Couples are introduced to the concepts of the
internal “Giver” and “Taker,” which affect each partner’s “Love Bank.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><o:p> </o:p>According to Harley, the Love
Bank is where we accrue “love units” when someone makes us feel good. When our
partner shows us love, appreciation and affection, our Love Bank balance goes
up. When our partner criticizes, betrays or ignores us, our Love Bank balance
goes down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Harley states that we each
have within us a “Giver” and a “Taker.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: black;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"> Our Giver is caring, compassionate and concerned for the welfare of others. The Giver says, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Do whatever you can to make others happy and
avoid anything that makes others unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy.” This
half of us is more likely to make deposits into our partner’s Love Bank. The
other half is our Taker. The Taker says, “Do whatever you can to make yourself
happy and avoid anything that makes you unhappy, even if it makes others
unhappy.” This half is more likely to deplete our partner’s Love Bank. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: black;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"> The first Love Buster is
making "Selfish Demands" or commanding your partner to do things that would
benefit you at your partner’s expense. We all have needs and at times need to make
requests of our partner that will benefit us. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, when the Taker shows little
compassion for how the request will affect their partner the Love Bank balance
is in jeopardy. In order to combat Selfish Demands Harley recommends what he
calls the Policy of Joint Agreement in which you never do anything without
an enthusiastic agreement between you and your partner. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: black;">
</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="color: black;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"> The purpose of this is to
remind you that (1) everything you do affects the other, either positively or
negatively, and (2) if you want to deposit love units instead of withdrawing
them you MUST consider how every choice will affect both of you. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> "</span>Thoughtful Requests" ask your partner for what
you want but show you are willing to modify or withdraw the request if necessary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thoughtful Requests sound safe and show
concern for others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example, one
partner might ask, “How would you feel if I spent part of this weekend golfing
with my friends?” <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><o:p> </o:p>This Thoughtful Request shows
that the asker is interested and thinking about how the time away will affect
his/her partner. If the partner has a problem with the request, then both
parties can brainstorm mutually acceptable alternatives until they reach Joint
Agreement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the example above if the
partner felt this particular weekend would not work the couple might agree on next
weekend as an alternative; both partners can walk away feeling good about the decision. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: black;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><o:p> </o:p>The next Love Buster is "Disrespectful
Judgments." These are defined as attempts to change your partner’s attitudes,
beliefs or behavior by imposing your way of thinking through lecture,
ridicule, threats or forceful means. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Harley proposes using "Respectful Persuasion" where
beliefs and opinions change in ways that result in enthusiastic agreement. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If a partner tries to get the other to stop
watching too much TV by insulting, ridiculing or lecturing, the Love Bank is
depleted. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Using Respectful Persuasion
one might say, “Having time with you without watching TV is important to me. I
would really love it if we could turn the TV off for a few hours a week and
engage together in other ways.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: black;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><o:p> "</o:p>Angry Outbursts" are another
Love Buster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Angry people tend to operate
in Taker mode because they believe that they aren’t being treated fairly and
are owed something. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Giver in the
other partner ends up giving in too frequently due to fear of the anger. The
plan to overcome angry outbursts is for the angry partner to acknowledge that
no one “makes” you angry. You and you alone determine your responses, and you
are 100% accountable for your anger. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If persistent anger is a problem, you may want
to seek professional help, because you are depleting your partner’s Love Bank
with each angry episode.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: black;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><o:p> "</o:p>Dishonesty" is the fourth Love
Buster that depletes from our partners Love Bank. Harley points to several
types of lies to avoid, including “Protector Lies” which are lies of omission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By engaging in protector lies, we think we shield
our partner from hurt, but in reality deny them crucial information that
prevents them from connecting authentically with us. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The solution to dishonesty is Radical Honesty
– revealing to your partner as much information as you know, your thoughts,
feelings, past history, daily activities and future plans. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A relationship built on honesty is the only
one that will stand the test of time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: black;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"> "Annoying Habits " are behaviors
repeated without much thought as to how they affect our partner. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, the messiness, perpetual lateness, lack
of hygiene, and forgetting to take the trash out, whether intentional or not,
deplete the Love Bank. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I can hear
nodding of heads!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Use the policy of Radical
Honesty to reveal to your partner where the annoying habits rank in order of
intensity for you and use the Policy of Joint Agreement to decide which ones
you can modify or eliminate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: black;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><o:p> </o:p>The final Love Buster is "Independent
Behavior" or activities that are executed as if the other partner did not
exist. When you act as if you can just do as you please, you are allowing your
Taker to deplete your partner’s Love Bank. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Relationships should instead work on the
principle of interdependency where activities consider the interests of both
partners. This does not mean you never get to do things independently from your
partner.You instead reflect that you are mindful of the effect on your partner in taking
the time, money, and energy to do what you are doing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: black;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="color: black;">It is impossible to avoid making
any withdrawals from your partner’s Love Bank and a quick apology can help
reestablish units to his or her balance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Try
examining yourself to see whether you are currently operating too much in
either the Giver or Taker mode. Observe whether any of these Love Busters are happening
frequently in your relationship. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"> If you feel you would like to
discuss relationship issues with a professional, please feel free to call
Fountain Gate Counseling Center at 770-218-9005 to set an appointment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><em><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">Harley, Jr., W. (2008). Love
Busters: Protecting Your Marriage From Habits that Destroy Romantic Love. Grand
Rapids, MI: Revell.<o:p></o:p></span></span></em></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-58326971459417595102013-08-12T10:15:00.000-07:002013-08-12T11:08:27.929-07:00Social Media - Self Love or Self Loathe<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-elisa-torell" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: small;">By Elisa Torell, M.A., LAPC</span></a> <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXPvaJvnGAP42KRoMjs5-CuvAKcUztdqOk7kd-TK8GZd9cFr7PvU4zd4lpHxru56jJW1Q-ug8GQOlEBdcOBfPkcBsWcK28GIp4B-HUu7MX7nedS5XwB5szVBT2i8sycIpoI_DXdfF7VKI/s1600/etorell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXPvaJvnGAP42KRoMjs5-CuvAKcUztdqOk7kd-TK8GZd9cFr7PvU4zd4lpHxru56jJW1Q-ug8GQOlEBdcOBfPkcBsWcK28GIp4B-HUu7MX7nedS5XwB5szVBT2i8sycIpoI_DXdfF7VKI/s1600/etorell.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Elisa Torell</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<strong> I recently read an article by writer Jessica Winter,</strong> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/technology/technology/2013/07/instagram_and_self_esteem_why_the_photo_sharing_network_is_even_more_depressing.html" target="_blank">Selfie-Loathing</a><strong>,</strong></i><strong> on Slate.com which
claimed that social media applications, such as Facebook and Instagram, have
been found to correlate with feelings of loneliness, depression, and low
self-esteem.</strong> <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Loitering through
photos and posts of others can often provoke feelings of jealousy and overall
dissatisfaction with our own lives; we infer that others are happier, wealthier,
and more successful than we are,” said Winter.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no question
that the social media has completely changed our society. The way we relate and
connect with each other has changed dramatically in less than 20 years. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People have
shorter attention spans. The way information travels through social media seems
to be quicker than wildfire. Unfortunately not all of these changes have been positive
when it comes to human relationships. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I frequently have
conversations with clients who have experienced some form of rejection, hurt,
or jealousy as a result of social media. So is social media the evil? <br />
<a name='more'></a><o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am sure one
could argue that some aspects of social media have damaged our way of
connecting in relationships. However, the point of social media is to connect
us more. So why do so many people seem to feel the opposite? <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe one of
the major reasons for this dissatisfaction is that with the accelerated change of
our world through the internet and social media we humans have not kept up with
learning to set appropriate, healthy boundaries for these powerful tools. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Something that feels
innocent and fun can easily become an obsession or addiction without proper
time and content boundaries. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In addition unhealthy
use of social media can easily feed into jealousy and feelings of
discontentment when we compare our lives to the “happy lives” that most other
people project. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I am honest I
myself usually post my more positive aspects of life to Facebook. I do not
often post about my insecurities or feelings of unhappiness. So if we all do this
we are comparing what we know to be our true lives to what others have
projected as their ideal life. It is not a fair comparison.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we do not monitor
how much of our time is spent looking at the ideal lives of others we can
quickly fall into the pit of feeling depressed. Ironically we can begin to feel
isolated, like we are the only ones who are struggling, despite the connections
and friendships we have built through this new tool. Changing these perceptions
has to start with ourselves. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here are some questions
to ask when determining whether you have fallen into an unhealthy practice with
social media.<o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->How much TIME do you spend on social media?
Especially in comparison to other activities. Is this acceptable? Do you feel
like you do not have enough time in the day to accomplish everything else? It
might be appropriate to schedule or plan the amount of time you will spend
online. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->How do you FEEL when you are on social media and
especially when you get off? What aspects make you feel negatively or
positively? What are you believing about the lives and activities of others?
How do those beliefs impact your heart, mind and soul?<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->How often do you call or write your true
friends? When was the last time you connected with them other than through
social media?<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Why are you friends with the people you are
connected to on social media? Are there people that you need to let go of? It
is healthy to recognize that we have different kinds of friends—temporary,
circumstantial, seasonal, and life-long. It is not realistic to believe that we
will stay close to all of our friends for our whole lives. <o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->What are your expectations and boundaries with
social media and your love life? This is HUGE. It is important that you and
your partner be on the same page about things including: do you want an account
together or separately? What kind of information will you post? No one likes his
or her dirty laundry aired out for everyone to see even passive-aggressively.
What types of people will you accept friend requests from (e.g. ex-lovers,
former in-laws)? <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
Having clear expectations and open lines of
honest communication will not just avoid betrayal or hurt, but also guard you
and your partner against unwanted temptations of wandering eyes or turning to
others for validation in conflict when it may need to be dealt with directly
and privately together.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Speaking of CONFLICT, how often do you notice
social media to be part of your own conflict or that of your friends and family?
What might you need to change to ensure this does not occur again? <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->How often do you take a BREAK from social media?
It can be quite healthy to close your computer, take that app off your phone,
and unplug once in a while. Find other hobbies or activities that are
life-giving to fill that time. These breaks can even help you connect with
other people and who knows you might make a few new friends along the way!<o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Finally, are you staying SAFE about the kinds of
information you post to social media? While we may not want to think about it
sometimes cyber bullying and stalking can certainly occur online. If you are
not sure what this might look like in your life we invite you to come on out to
the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="https://thinksmartkennesaw.eventbrite.com/" target="_blank">Think Smart Equipping Women for Personal Safety Seminar</a></i> on August 20<sup>th</sup> at the Ben Robertson Community
Center for some helpful information. This event is presented by Fountain Gate
Counseling Center and the Kennesaw Police Department to empower women to live
safely in all aspects of life including online.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is always a
challenge to find a balance in our world, often because the world is always
changing. Asking questions such as these can help each of us to reflect on the
way we are living and sharing our lives with others. Each of our own boundaries
will look different. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope that you will
use this article simply as a spring-board to have conversations with others
about what is positive and good for your relationships; allowing social media to
connect you with others in an intimate yet healthy way.<o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Jessica Winter. “Selfie-Loathing.” www.slate.com. HOME / Technology
:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Innovation, the Internet, gadgets, and
more. The Slate Group. July 23, 2013. Date accessed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-21033290425590005802013-07-11T12:34:00.001-07:002013-08-12T10:17:37.171-07:00Meet Our New Intern...Jessica Bello<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">By Jinna Marbry, B.S.</span><br />
<em><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Fountain Gate CC Program Manager</span></em><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Jessica Bello, Clinical Intern" border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv2PiIjvlzUjw0hnNXaIoemC-MgxiY-JY12Lt1vk24hLjmvWG0k1hUkuct-e6FQDwx5mZd77xNamVBXs4B8cJI2Mt4ZaNsgRIDdb-VLjZ3Nt1J4sOCiX20PsNou5XIOBjhb_42nfLN0r0/s200/jessica.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Jessica Bello, Clinical Intern" width="157" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em>Jessica Bello, Clinical Intern</em></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv2PiIjvlzUjw0hnNXaIoemC-MgxiY-JY12Lt1vk24hLjmvWG0k1hUkuct-e6FQDwx5mZd77xNamVBXs4B8cJI2Mt4ZaNsgRIDdb-VLjZ3Nt1J4sOCiX20PsNou5XIOBjhb_42nfLN0r0/s1600/jessica.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span></a><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> <span style="color: black;">On May 21, 2013
Fountain Gate launched the second year of its internship program with the
addition of two new interns to the family. Jessica Bello and Bruce Knight are
graduate level interns from Richmont Graduate University in the Master of Arts
in Marriage and Family Therapy (MAMFT) Program. As we welcome our counselors
into the fold we would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to the
second of our interns in this newsletter.<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please welcome our new intern…Jessica Bello. <o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jessica Bello, was
born the normal Orange County California girl; she grew up loving the sunshine
and fast paced American lifestyle, quite the opposite of her traditional Colombian
parents.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even as a child
Jessica had a desire for helping others and enjoyed observing how people
communicated with one another. It was this desire that eventually led to Jessica
become a school teacher working with elementary and middle-school children in
both Colombia and Georgia. Yet it was Jessica’s Christian faith that would lead
to her most important steps of becoming a pastor’s wife and seeking a career in
counseling.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In 2008, Jessica
thought her life was all planned out; she had just married her husband of two
weeks, David (Youth Pastor at Iglesia Nuevo Horizonte Church) and was looking
forward to settling into a bright future. However, Jessica’s life was turned
upside down upon hearing that her mother, Bertha, who now lived in Colombia, was
diagnosed with cancer.</span></span><a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In weighing the
options Jessica and David decided that their only choice was to move to Colombia
and care for Bertha. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was in Colombia
that the couple soon found out that Jessica was pregnant. With the mounting pressures
of coping with a terminally ill parent, a new husband, and a baby on the way,
Jessica found the need to seek help through counseling.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“In the midst of
this entire crisis, I began to see a counselor. I needed to grieve the loss of
a mom, an unplanned pregnancy during such a time, and the loss of dreams I had
for a life prior to children,” said Bello.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet it was
through counseling that Jessica found her true call for helping others facing
such overwhelming life changes.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I honestly do
not know where I would be today had I not had the support, tools, and
permission to just be, through counseling. I now have a desire to walk alongside
people through their lonely, hard, and dark moments in life.”<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was not an
easy task being a pastor’s wife with two small children (3-year-old Felipe and
1-year-old Rebeca) and attending graduate school. Yet with unending faith Jessica
took her first steps onto a new career path and entered into the<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>MAMFT Program at Richmont Graduate
University.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I think the
biggest challenge has been balancing my life. Between working and going to
school while having two children and a husband; let me just say I have been
busy.”</span></span></div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“What I have been
surprised by however is the support that my husband has given me. He is my
biggest cheerleader in completing my education. There are many times at the end
of my school semester I look at the past calendar and wonder, ‘how in the world
did I get through all that?’ I cannot help but know that God has given me and
my husband the strength to get through the semester.”</span></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is also through
the volunteer work at the Bellos’ local church, First Baptist Church of
Woodstock, that Jessica has found her passion in counseling. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I love working
with women and families. In addition, I am fluent in Spanish and English and
have a longing for working in the Hispanic community.” </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With such a
bright future ahead the Fountain Gate Counseling team is excited to have
Jessica with us for the coming year and cannot wait to see how the gifts she
brings will help us to reach a whole new community.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-43645448751673132222013-06-11T13:02:00.001-07:002013-08-12T10:17:11.845-07:00Encouraging Those Who Follow<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">By Jinna Marbry, B.S.</span><br />
<em><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Fountain Gate CC Program Manager</span></em></span><br />
<strong><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On May 21, 2013 Fountain Gate launched the second year of its internship program with the addition of two new interns to the family. Jessica Bello and Bruce Knight are graduate level interns from Richmont Graduate University in the Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy (MAMFT) Program. As we welcome our counselors into the fold we would like to take this opportunity to introduce them to you in coming newsletters. <o:p></o:p></span></span></strong><br />
<strong><span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"> </span></strong><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<strong><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;">Please welcome our new intern…Bruce Knight. <o:p></o:p></span></span></strong></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNIvmLyo3uKt6zrfn8QjDRBUk50Lq2ZN_HTj2RLcPwOSiPw2hAa6c13IT6ODIGKOk7xN8cbrkAofDuTC-iB8PEx6EH7GPr5oTZS305LjNGfKqy7367krPdNDWtdXDThyJTIm1OLcl19r4/s1600/Bruce+picture.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Bruce Knight, Clinical Intern" border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNIvmLyo3uKt6zrfn8QjDRBUk50Lq2ZN_HTj2RLcPwOSiPw2hAa6c13IT6ODIGKOk7xN8cbrkAofDuTC-iB8PEx6EH7GPr5oTZS305LjNGfKqy7367krPdNDWtdXDThyJTIm1OLcl19r4/s200/Bruce+picture.jpg" title="Bruce Knight, Clinical Intern" width="132" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em>Bruce Knight, Clinical Intern</em></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bruce Knight, a Virginia native, grew up fast. After losing his father at the age of 12 Bruce struggled for a number of his teen years with rebellious behavior until at age 19 he found his Christian path. While on his journey Bruce acquired a Masters of Divinity degree from Liberty University and met the love of his life and wife of 31 years, Kitty.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After graduating from Liberty, Bruce and Kitty moved to New York City where they founded the New York Baptist Bible Church with Bruce serving as pastor and began raising their two daughters, Erin (28) and Laura (23). Unfortunately for Bruce and Kitty the pressure of juggling marriage, ministry, and raising young children began to take its toll as Bruce shares.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Following the six years in New York my wife and I spent almost two decades in what I would call a roller coaster and ping pong recovery mode. At one point in time we were separated for almost a year. Through all the ups and downs, pain and suffering, and a few really good churches we have come to the place where our relationship is the best it has ever been.”<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet while the road was rocky it was this journey to healing that brought Bruce to his true aspiration of working with couples and families in crisis. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“All that I have experienced has led me to the place of pursuing a marriage and family therapy program with Richmont. Both my wife and I have a passion for coming alongside couples, families, and individuals in their time of pain. The grace and healing that we have experienced, we now desire to pass on to those who are in the midst of it.” </span></span><a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But like any journey there are obstacles to overcome. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“One challenge for me was my age, I am 59. That is close to retirement. I however view retirement differently. I do not ever plan on retiring. I was delighted to find out that many of the founders of various theoretical frameworks live to be in their 90s. Each day I am in the program I am grateful for God’s choice.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While counseling is definitely Bruce’s passion he has quickly found it is not without its misconceptions. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I am pursuing a marriage and family therapist program track and plan on specializing in sexual addiction recovery. Having been a pastor and worked with the men’s support groups for sexual issues has opened my eyes to realize that sexual integrity issues are like the metaphorical elephant sitting in the room in which no one wants to talk about.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: inherit;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not surprisingly Bruce’s Christian faith has played a pivotal role in bringing Bruce to his pursuit as a therapist. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black;"> “I keep reminding myself of a prayer mantra I have adopted, ‘I am yours and you are mine!’ This is spoken directly to the Lord and I find that it calms me. It reminds me that I am never alone and that God is the invisible yet not silent partner in the therapy session.”<o:p></o:p></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-42356378087069594402013-05-07T10:31:00.000-07:002013-05-16T06:32:37.723-07:00The Challenge of Change<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDMYvEt9WV2W9O6P_x4ZHSE03N1ZSDSz8jWHl2tiqGSnmfNryknyjWDvrHma90bdMQ5tNJcsahh9VjcUAeORRRfi7vgW0s4nLvb78bbS-wpZyw_nnRip6f4TKBtuRF9_lYTvns0ZtXdjA/s1600/R289.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDMYvEt9WV2W9O6P_x4ZHSE03N1ZSDSz8jWHl2tiqGSnmfNryknyjWDvrHma90bdMQ5tNJcsahh9VjcUAeORRRfi7vgW0s4nLvb78bbS-wpZyw_nnRip6f4TKBtuRF9_lYTvns0ZtXdjA/s1600/R289.jpg" width="132" /></a><br />
by <a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-deb-torell" target="_blank">Deb Torell, M.A., LPC, LMFT</a><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Change:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To make different in some particular; to make
a shift from one to<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>another, transformation.</div>
<br />
In
counseling school, we learned that most people do not willingly make a shift, a
change, or a transition unless the place where they are feels more painful than
the pain of the anticipated change. <br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Resistance to change is quite common, even
when someone hates the place that they are in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Most people would prefer that the situation change, or another person
change, rather than consider that they themselves could change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The ego self, at a deep level, is quite
unsure of the benefits of change.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 0in;">
But
the journey of personal growth and maturity, by its very nature, requires that
each of us change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The change is not to
be an outward one, that is, just a change in our behavior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The change actually requires inward
transformation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Change from the inside
out is true change. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This type of change
takes time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love what Geneen Roth, in
her book <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Breaking Free from Emotional
Eating</i>, says about change: </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 0in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Change generally happens the way a
plant grows slowly, without <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">force, and with the
essential nutrients of love and patience, and a <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">willingness to remain
constant through periods of stasis.”</b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 0in;">
Psychologists have come up with
various models of how change occurs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
model that seems to be most simple (and the one I like the best) starts out
with a person not even considering trying to achieve change, or the ”<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">pre-contemplation</b>” stage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
Next,
often because something or someone is urging them, the person begins to “<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">contemplate</b>” making a change, believing
that change may be possible. But they may not be quite sure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is often the place where people get
stuck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But hopefully, at some point, the
person gets beyond ambivalence, and decides to try to achieve change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 0in;">
The
third stage in the process of change happens when the person begins to “<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">prepare</b>” for the change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is when the person gets the information
needed to make a shift, learning the best way to go about making change.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 0in;">
The
fourth stage is the “<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">action</b>”
phase.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The person begins to implement
their plan and over time, achieves change!<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; tab-stops: 0in;">
Finally,
the person works to “<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">maintain</b>” the achieved
changes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There may be some lapse or
relapse here, but the determined person is on his or her way to a new way of
being in the area of change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Joyce Rupp,
in her book, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Open the Door: The Journey
to the True Self</i>, shares poem written by a twelve year old girl on the
night before she was struck and killed by an automobile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her poem contains wisdom for the journey of
change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I share her poem with you here:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Look
at me-----<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I’m
walking through a door<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>My
life is changing and it’s just perfect now<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No
more doors for me<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>They’re
too hard to get through<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I’m
staying here where it’s safe-----<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No,
child,<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Those
doors are a part of you<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
can’t ignore them<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Cause
they’re there<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You’ve
got to go through them<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Who
knows what you’ll find<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You’ve
got to meet their trial<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>If
you don’t, you won’t be what you should become<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>There
are always gonna be doors and you<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Can’t
stop ‘em from comin’<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You’ve
got to go through them to grow<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It’s
called change<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Look
at the wildflower; it changes all the time<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Always
blossoming or closing up, sprouting or withering<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You’re
scared to go through those doors<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Into
the unknowing, “into change”<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
don’t know what’s going to happen<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You
don’t know what change is going to bring<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Listen
to me<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Go
through those doors with hope<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Go
through those doors knowing change is the future and you’re a part of <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>it<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don’t know what change is, that’s why you’re
scared<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Change
is the sun booming over the horizon<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Scattering
rays of hope to a new day<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Change
is a baby lamb meeting the world for the first time<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Change
is growing from a young child to a young woman<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Change
is beautiful; you will learn to love it.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>-----Mary
Katherine Lidle (1982)</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
Mary
Katherine, even in her short life, captured the truth about change:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>we must give ourselves to it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We ought not to fear it, but embrace it,
welcome it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
Counseling
is about change, a shift in one’s way of being…transformation really.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we let it, it will stretch us, cause us to
search more deeply, and hopefully become a little freer, both emotionally and
mentally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>May we all be challenged to
“go through those doors with hope”, accepting and adapting to the possibility
of true transformation, trusting that the growth and maturity it brings will
benefit not only each of us as individuals, but those we love as well.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
Roth, Geneen, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Breaking Free from Emotional Eating, </i>Penguin Books, Ltd., (London: <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>2004),
p.139.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
Rupp, Joyce, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Open the Door: A Journey to the True Self, </i>Sorin Books, (Notre<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dome, In.: 2008), pp 34-35.<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-8344791907736773912013-04-04T11:32:00.001-07:002013-04-09T09:26:49.372-07:00Don’t Stay Away! (Why People Avoid Counseling)<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnZOaWz7DLMQ1C6VvgAJxcrT13g56eSG_9AQGwU4CLmMxgFzr7-946Q2QU0yaBu50IxEXfKtvGfu-Iau2Airg1pb2ITSg0CF7lC-Ke5Fr5jk8lVnAam9qLd4ShPonQAOo_Dr9JkB9kDoM/s1600/R0376-175.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnZOaWz7DLMQ1C6VvgAJxcrT13g56eSG_9AQGwU4CLmMxgFzr7-946Q2QU0yaBu50IxEXfKtvGfu-Iau2Airg1pb2ITSg0CF7lC-Ke5Fr5jk8lVnAam9qLd4ShPonQAOo_Dr9JkB9kDoM/s1600/R0376-175.jpg" /></a><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
By <a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-craig-torell" target="_blank">Craig Torell, M.A., M.Div., LAPC, LAMFT</a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
People come to counseling because they are unhappy.
Something is not going well in their lives or in the lives of people around
them. It may involve circumstances at home, work, school, or a combination
of all three. Their attempts to fix or improve the problem have failed, but
they also believe that something has to change – things cannot go on the way
they are. They need an outside, objective person to help them clearly identify
the core issues involved, and to identify and help them accomplish the changes necessary
to resolve the situation.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
So what’s not to like about counseling? Why would people
hesitate to seek relief from mental and emotional confusion or pain? What prevents
people from making a simple phone call to inquire about counseling services, or
to come in to talk about what’s going on in their lives? The fact is that the
field of “counseling” has been burdened with stigmas that are based on
inaccurate information and distorted perceptions of therapy, its goals, and its
potential.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Let’s look at several common objections or misunderstandings
related to counseling.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p></o:p> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>Counseling is for
weaklings and losers</u> – I should be able to fix my problems myself, and
certainly not go to people I don’t even know for help.</i> As social creatures,
we are not designed to “go it alone”; no individual has all of the mental,
emotional, and spiritual resources needed to meet every life challenge.
Counselors are trained and skilled to develop healing relationships with people
from a wide variety of backgrounds.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>Counseling is for
crazies, nuts, and freaks</u> – people who need counseling are “mentally ill”
and belong in an institution —the further away from society, the better.</i> Most
people in counseling do not exhibit “extreme” or “strange” behavior; they come
to counseling from many walks in life, and normally continue with their
everyday lives and activities while engaging in counseling sessions.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>I just need a
little more time to figure this thing out</u> – somehow, it will get better,
even though I don’t know how.</i> This is a popular definition of insanity:
“Doing things the same way while expecting a different result.” It’s a form a
denial, and only prolongs a person’s unhappiness.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>A counselor is just
a “paid friend”</u> – it’s not really a relationship with someone who truly
cares about you.</i> A counselor is trained and motivated to display warmth,
love, empathy, genuineness, and respect – it’s the only way that counseling can
have a real and lasting effect.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>I (or he or she)
can’t change</u> – some people are too far gone to be helped.</i> Human beings
are adaptable, and can actually change in a variety of ways at any stage or age
in life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>My problems are
unique</u> – no one could possibly understand what I’m going through, so how
could anyone help me?</i> It is true that each person’s life story is different,
but counselors are able to exercise empathy to perceive and validate your
thoughts and feelings, joining with you at the point of your pain.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>Counseling will
make me look like a fool </u>– it’s all about making me cry and talking about
“how I feel” about everything.</i> The goal of counseling is healing, not
displays of emotion. Some people are more comfortable talking about feelings
than others; counselors enter into your journey at your level of communication
and experience.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>Counseling is
invasive and intrusive</u> – I’ll be forced to talk about private things that
are nobody’s business.</i> Professional counselors do not force you to do
anything you are not ready or willing to do. Counseling is a collaboration – a
team effort – between therapist and clients.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>Counseling is an
old-fashioned practice</u> – lying on a couch, talking to a doctor (“shrink”)
who is stroking his beard, smoking a pipe, and telling me all the things that
are wrong with me.</i> We have couches, but they are for sitting on. Our
counselors are not doctors; they have Masters Degrees in Professional
Counseling, Marriage and Family Therapy, and Clinical Social Work. We do not
follow a “medical model,” dispensing advice in a one-sided conversation;
rather, we help clients see their situations clearly and consider their
reasonable options so that they can come to their own conclusions.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>Counseling is like
talking to a mirror</u> – the counselor will just repeat back everything I say.</i>
Counselors do not repeat back what clients say in a rote fashion; rather, they
work hard to “think your thoughts and feel your feelings,” reflecting back what
they hear in a way that makes clients feel deeply understood. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>A counselor will
make me do things I’m not comfortable with </u>– like talking to an empty chair
while pretending someone is sitting in it, or using silly finger puppets.</i>
There are hundreds of therapies and counseling techniques, but professional
counselors will not introduce any type of therapeutic method without receiving
your permission.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>My
friend/relative/family member/co-workers told me that counseling is worthless (and
maybe even dangerous!)</u> – I’ve heard that people can even get worse instead
of better.</i> Research has proven that counseling is effective for a wide
variety of life problems. During the process of counseling a person may “feel”
worse temporarily while facing difficult issues, but the end result will be
positive.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>A counselor might
call a psychiatric hospital and have me committed</u> – as soon as I say the
wrong thing, I’ll be carted away in a straightjacket.</i> If you make
statements that lead your counselor to believe that you are a threat to
yourself or others, the counselor will take time to carefully evaluate and
clarify the seriousness of your mental condition prior to taking any action.
This is an exceedingly rare event.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>A counselor will
label me with some type of “mental illness” that will stay with me for the rest
of my life</u> – it will affect my ability to get the schooling or job I want
in the future.</i> If you choose to pay for counseling with insurance, the
insurance company will require a formal mental health diagnosis code.
Otherwise, any diagnostic information remains in your private record and will
only be released with your permission.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>Counseling shows a
lack of faith in God</u> – if I just believed God’s Word and praised the Lord
more my troubles would quickly disappear.</i> “All truth is God’s truth.” This
means that any insights the mental health profession has learned about how we
think, feel, and behave are insights into how God has created us. Consequently,
any legitimate counseling techniques that alleviate a person’s discomfort and
distress can be seen as expressions of the grace of God.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>Counseling will
bankrupt me</u> – I can’t possibly afford to pay someone for several sessions
of therapy.</i> Insurance coverage normally pays for a at least a limited amount
of counseling sessions. For those who have used up their coverage, or who do
not have insurance to cover counseling costs, counselors often have sliding
scale rates that make counseling affordable. Fountain Gate is a 501(c)(3)
nonprofit organization that offers counseling exclusively on a siding scale
basis.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Many people begin to feel better as soon as they call to
inquire about counseling services. It’s a concrete action that can give a
person a sense of hope. We encourage you to “try out” the counseling process
for a few sessions to see what it’s like—there’s no obligation to continue if you
feel it’s not helping you. At Fountain Gate we have provided counseling
services to nearly 2000 people in the past 5 years, and we would be honored to
join with you in your path to healing and wholeness.<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-7769557417192999912013-03-08T08:11:00.000-08:002013-03-08T08:47:34.251-08:00Dealing with a Quarter Life Crisis<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
By <a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-elisa-torell" target="_blank">Elisa Torell, M.A., LAPC</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgth04xPHbYiYkmlrSNNzTyAte5DrI-nLYIcvMBMEFOT1befjKu8wM7rGQ50YyUyrjO5YPU5DPcwGEzQwGcWzSvoBcifRE63CRTcXbF57_ZZfB8p6kpdDSJNbwgzs0MACv7u9EcZ3UUT-c/s1600/R0350.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgth04xPHbYiYkmlrSNNzTyAte5DrI-nLYIcvMBMEFOT1befjKu8wM7rGQ50YyUyrjO5YPU5DPcwGEzQwGcWzSvoBcifRE63CRTcXbF57_ZZfB8p6kpdDSJNbwgzs0MACv7u9EcZ3UUT-c/s200/R0350.jpg" width="131" /></a>I was listening to a popular morning talk show on the radio
the other day and they had a segment on young adults who are experiencing what
they called a “quarter-life crisis.” This is that season of life in your mid-20’s
when you might have just graduated from college or have a year or two of
working under your belt, and life just doesn’t seem to be coming together like
you planned. You worked hard for a degree—had hopes and dreams of changing the
world—but now find yourself working at Starbucks to pay the bills. You had to
move back in with your parents. You thought you would have found “Mr. Right” or
“Mrs. Right” by now but instead you are faced with a dismal dating life. All
over Facebook it looks like ALL of your friends are moving on with life,
getting jobs, promotions, houses, fiancés, babies, vacations…and then there is
you, feeling lost, confused, disappointed, and defective. You want to feel
happy for those friends but you are sure that you just can’t take one more post
that reads, “65 more days till we tie the knot!” </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
This problem does not just hit women, although I think we
women have a greater tendency to have that internal “plan” for relationships
and family. Guys can also experience this crisis, which often centers around
having a job, money, and possessions—a feeling of accomplishment. I haven’t
even mentioned those whose life threw them a curveball with an unexpected
pregnancy or untimely death of a loved one and they are still trying to play
catch-up to make sense of what things look like now.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Have I effectively painted the quarter-life crisis for you?
Maybe it’s because I have experienced this crisis myself. I have probably spent
a good portion of my 20’s coming to terms with the fact that “my plan” has not
happened the way I have thought I wanted or expected. Our world is different
than it was when our parents were young adults. Media and technology have given
us a way to see into each other’s lives with startling detail. Hollywood and
culture have taught us since we were young about the “American dream,” and we
should “reach for the stars because your potential is endless.” While it has
become more culturally acceptable to live with your parents after college to
save money or to “still be single” at 30, the American cultural expectations of
those past generations still linger, creating a great deal of incongruence in
the expectations of young adults today. The reality is that our economy is not
the same as it used to be—jobs are harder to find and if you do find a job, it
is most likely not that dream job you have come to expect. Dating is completely
different than it was during our parents’ generation. If you are not someone
who likes to go out to bars to meet people, it appears your only other choice
is to try online dating. And if you have been taught traditional, even
“Southern” ways of doing things, online dating is a horse pill to swallow. As
in, it gets stuck and lodged and you feel like you might suffocate from
disappointment. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
From my own experience, as well as working with others who
have gone through this conflict, I believe that much of the pain of this season
comes down to disappointed expectations. Yes, the economy is bad and it is not
fair you can’t get that job you want. Yes, that guy hasn’t stepped up and asked
you out. But the conflict you are feeling is coming from the perspective that
your value and worth as a person—your IDENTITY—has been somehow lessened
because of what your life looks like. If your sense of self, value, and worth
comes from the external, and the external is not going your way, well, then
that will yield all kinds of sadness, angry, confusion, and despair. Left
unattended, those feelings will fester into full-blown depression, anxiety,
panic attacks, or a range of impulsive behavior.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
So what CAN you do?</div>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
GET HELP! One of the things I love about counseling is that it is safe to say all of these things to someone who is outside of your world, doesn’t have an emotional opinion about what is going on with you, but can also hold up a mirror and help you evaluate what expectations and goals might need to change. It is important to be able to both name and grieve the loss of what you thought life was while also exploring what it could be. Additionally, if you feel lost about what you want to do with your life, you can also work with your counselor on using specific tools to explore your options. We have an assessment here at Fountain Gate called the Strong’s Interest Inventory that is a great tool for exploring career interests. We love to work with these issues! </div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
Create new goals and expectations—this time about things that are related to the present and that are directly in your control. Start volunteering with an agency that does the kind of work you’d like to do. Swallow the pill and join an online dating service. Make a bucket list of things you’d like to do for FUN before you are 30 or 40 and commit to doing one of them over the next 3 months. Goals like this one are realistic but still moving towards the kind of life you want for yourself. You could even explore new hobbies or interests outside of your normal box through online deals like, Groupon or Living Social, that often have interesting activities to try! The point is, live in the present.</div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
Take a break from social media. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram all have some great benefits, but one of their terrible downsides is it can create the illusion of everyone else’s life “being better” than yours. It can be healthy to step away from that for a while—get perspective, focus on what is going well in your life and learn to be thankful for what IS going “right.”</div>
</li>
<li><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
Explore spirituality—those values and beliefs have a tremendous impact on how you choose to live your life and what meaning you place on life in general. Going on a spiritual retreat weekend or getting involved in a group that explores these issues is a great way to get outside your own perspective and consider what God might have to say.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
If you are reading this article and this is NOT you, but you
know someone who might be experiencing these difficulties, one thing that you
can do is LISTEN. Avoid advice giving and allow that person a safe place to
process what they are going through before you jump into telling them your
solution. That will usually make things worse. <o:p></o:p></div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
One of the great things about the phrase “quarter-life
crisis” is that there is an implication that we still have another ¾’s of our
life to live. Life is not over! This season is simply about getting unstuck by
coming to terms with what it is now and finding new ways to move forward from a
different perspective than in the past. While painful, naming it for what it is
and processing through it will create space to move forward in your life.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-86862375618164717082013-02-05T07:43:00.000-08:002013-02-06T07:12:32.567-08:00BE My Valentine<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh53ea8OY-N-7h3oPB0QI0RUlXogfylpCqprD30vp65lcX1UT1TvQbptJNR2wZ0UQ1zm8s-nHqL8yAS3mGiDLAJDrOdgKJaWlo16i6xHqkYZTJpinff3k4S-oWzdZyKkkbg_al1zi-gBwU/s1600/R0334-175.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh53ea8OY-N-7h3oPB0QI0RUlXogfylpCqprD30vp65lcX1UT1TvQbptJNR2wZ0UQ1zm8s-nHqL8yAS3mGiDLAJDrOdgKJaWlo16i6xHqkYZTJpinff3k4S-oWzdZyKkkbg_al1zi-gBwU/s1600/R0334-175.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">by <a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-joyce-geddie" target="_blank">Joyce Geddie, M.A., R.N., LAPC</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">What are the secrets to keeping romance and love alive in a relationship? If you are a man, do you secretly dread the annual upcoming Valentine’s Day? How can I let my wife know I love her and not feel like I have missed the mark yet another year? That’s right guys, there aren’t any points for last year’s romantic gesture. And you women may be thinking, am I going to have to remind him again this year that it is Valentine’s Day? Will I once again be disappointed because his efforts seem forced or contrived? My question to the women is, how have you shown that you respect and value him, even if he doesn’t get it right every time?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">The truth is romance in relationships serves to protect, restore, and renew relationships. The surprise is both men and women long for the romantic feelings, both yearn to be desired and sought after by their mate. We all want our spouse or partner to be our soul mate, not our cell mate. So where does romance get off track and how can we begin to get the train out of the station?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I will offer some tips and secret ingredients of romance, but the real effort has to come from your heart or your spouse will suspect you are insincere. Even if you feel a little insincere, it is still worth the effort to fake it till you make it. So here is my list of "<strong>BE's</strong>" so you can <strong>Be</strong> a good valentine…</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Be Proactive</strong>. Attempt to meet an unmet need of your spouse before they ask. At this point in your relationship it may take some real thought and effort to understand what excites your spouse or partner, but you can do it. Do you recall what an expert you were on your partner’s need when you were first dating? You probably studied her/him in order to please them. What kind of things did you do when you first feel in love? If you really don’t know what unmet needs your mate has, recall the things you did early in your relationship and do them again. Here’s a hint for men…if you vacuum the house she may have a surprise for you later. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Be Appreciative</strong>. Communicate to your spouse their unique value. Everyone likes to be appreciated and encouraged in their efforts, even if your spouse hasn’t lived up to your expectations.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Be Available and Attentive</strong>. Spend quality time connecting with your spouse. Hang out together and really listen to them with interest. If your partner is vulnerable enough to show you their inner world, treat it like the treasure it is.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Be Self-Sacrificing.</strong> Try to forget the balance sheet you keep in your head of who gives more in this relationship. Award them with the unconditional love that you probably gave them early in your relationship. Your partner may need what is most difficult for you to give; hence, the words “self-sacrificing”. Self-centered behaviors aren’t very attractive in relationships and certainly don’t communicate romance. Speak love in their language. Women like to talk about their feelings, and want to know you care about them. Men may want to talk about football, their work goals or may enjoy having you notice a project they are working on. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Be Intentional.</strong> Intentionality requires thought and planning. Making a planned dinner reservation or preparing a homemade meal speaks romance louder than getting a last minute burger because the restaurants are full. Consider leaving a little love note some place they are sure to find it. Find that card that makes her swoon when she reads it, or the card that makes him feel admired and makes him puff up his chest a little bigger.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Be Trustworthy</strong>. Speak the truth in love, without using hurtful words or contempt. Sometimes we tell little white lies to avoid hurting someone’s feelings when the truth may be a better option. Unfortunately, little white lies can eventually erode feelings of trust and security in a relationship. (However, it is still okay to say that dress doesn’t make her look fat...) Honesty and transparency build intimacy when there is mutual sharing and trust. Guys, this isn’t the night to work late unless you’ve decided to celebrate Valentine’s Day another time. Try to do what you say you will do. </span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So in conclusion, <strong>be thankful</strong> for this person in your life and for the opportunity to show them what they mean to you this Valentine’s Day.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-71661029962069474512013-01-15T11:03:00.000-08:002013-01-17T10:56:59.263-08:00Making Resolutions that Stick<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0S1Ir2VJWXuX12cTHRxar_tERNuViZ7oF-3Hc6K1uZxF0Ae1F03iBfKcFNpPKtX6uezEbJJQhGlLyAJcHkbDbWZf9MlehjAVMQysqCWwDDPz-FZQP8k9K73JgYnF_shqiaAHD0c4OfbU/s1600/Tiff175.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0S1Ir2VJWXuX12cTHRxar_tERNuViZ7oF-3Hc6K1uZxF0Ae1F03iBfKcFNpPKtX6uezEbJJQhGlLyAJcHkbDbWZf9MlehjAVMQysqCWwDDPz-FZQP8k9K73JgYnF_shqiaAHD0c4OfbU/s1600/Tiff175.jpg" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">by </span><a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-tiffany-kingsfield.php" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Tiffany Kingsfield, M.A., LAPC</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">When making a New Year’s resolution, the idealized life we want for ourselves seems within reach, and that feeling can be intoxicating. But statistics show that keeping one’s resolution is not easy. A recent article in USA today states that 50% will have already broken their resolution by the end of January (Neuharth, USA Today, 1/3/2013.) The excitement and hopefulness felt at the start can become disappointment and self-loathing. If we want to start 2013 on a new footing, how can we help ourselves be one of successful half who can make desired changes?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">We can start by taking some time to explore why the resolutions are important to us in the first place. Ask questions like “Why is this goal important to me? How will keeping this resolution improve my life? What has been fueling my current, unhealthy behavior?” (Hint: Try to find the “reward” you get for indulging in the unhealthy behavior – you will need to find an alternate payoff for the new, healthier behavior.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Experts recommend setting specific, measurable goals in order in increase odds of success. For example, instead of “I will start saving money,” a better option would be “I will save X amount per paycheck” or I will reduce my monthly expenditures by X dollars.” I will stick to 1,200 calories per day” is more measurable than “I will eat less junk and more fruits and vegetables.”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">A study that compared those who stuck with their resolutions versus those who didn’t found that the successful rewarded themselves for the changes they were making. They also avoided situations associated with the problem behaviors, and kept reminders around urging them not to give in to old habits. The final predictor of success was practicing positive thinking about changing the behavior. Conversely, those that failed to keep resolutions spent more time thinking about how their problem behavior was hurting them, criticized and lectured themselves, and wished their problem would disappear (Norcross, Brykalo and Blagys, 2002). The same study found that those who were resolved to make changes nearly half were found to be successful six months later.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">When attempting difficult changes, it helps to remember we are not alone. 1 Peter 5 reminds us to cast our worries, anxieties and concerns on God, for He cares for us affectionately and watchfully. We have reassurance that as we struggle to better ourselves, God will ground us, strengthen and settle us. The Lord tells us he calls blessed those that endure steadfastly, and He is full of compassion, tenderness and mercy toward us (James 5:11).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Instead of focusing on your shortcomings, focus on the strengths you possess that are going to help you reach your goal, the support you have in your life that will be a supportive source for you in times of weakness. If you find yourself getting stuck in some “stinking thinking” – meaning you are self-critical and overly focused on the problem rather than the solution, you may think about speaking a professional that can help you identify, challenge and replace distorted thinking. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">A new year brings with it new challenges, experiences and possibilities. We can celebrate the fact that we are bringing to 2013 the wisdom we have accumulated in years past, while looking forward to growing in new ways, and living a more abundant life.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Norcross, J. D. (2002). Auld Lang Syne: Success Predictors, Change Processes, and Self-Reported Outcomes of New Year's Resolvers and Nonresolvers. Journal Of Clinical Psychology, 58(4), 397.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Newsweek. 12/24/2012, Vol. 160 Issue 25, p46-49.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-25060383790315389282013-01-15T10:46:00.000-08:002013-01-15T11:05:06.197-08:00Grief and Grace<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnZOaWz7DLMQ1C6VvgAJxcrT13g56eSG_9AQGwU4CLmMxgFzr7-946Q2QU0yaBu50IxEXfKtvGfu-Iau2Airg1pb2ITSg0CF7lC-Ke5Fr5jk8lVnAam9qLd4ShPonQAOo_Dr9JkB9kDoM/s1600/R0376-175.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnZOaWz7DLMQ1C6VvgAJxcrT13g56eSG_9AQGwU4CLmMxgFzr7-946Q2QU0yaBu50IxEXfKtvGfu-Iau2Airg1pb2ITSg0CF7lC-Ke5Fr5jk8lVnAam9qLd4ShPonQAOo_Dr9JkB9kDoM/s1600/R0376-175.jpg" /></span></a></div>
<span style="color: grey; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Our nation is in mourning following last week’s murder of 20
schoolchildren, ages 6 and 7, along with 6 adults who tried to protect them.
Authorities are still piecing together the details of this horrific event and
the person who was behind them, while we are left with grief and unanswered
questions: Are there no boundaries to the reach of evil in our lives?<br />
<br />
“Connecticut massacre gunman described as awkward loner who felt no pain”
(FoxNews.com, 12/16/12). We are now learning the story of a 20 year old man who
was on the “outside” of his social group and whose extreme isolating behaviors
had concerned the staff at his High School a few years before. He was also
subject to the upheaval of his parents’ divorce in 2008, but what had driven
him to bring fatal violence to the heart of his community, and to himself, at
this time? There are unconfirmed reports that the gunman was to have been
committed to a psychiatric institution by his mother, and that the killing
spree was his reaction to the news.<br />
<br />
Speaking at a memorial service for the victims, President Obama said that for
these tragedies to end “we need to change.” According to the National Institute
for Mental Health, approximately 26% of the U.S. adult population has a
diagnosable mental health disorder. These numbers increase among low-income
families, with studies showing 32% of individuals with low incomes report
issues with depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems. There are
many reasons for this, not the least of which is our culture itself, which
facilitates – and sometimes celebrates – independence and isolation from one
another and from our Creator.<br />
<br />
The solution is found in deeply-seated spiritual and emotional healing. We are
a disconnected people who have lost their way, personally and collectively. We
run from our feelings of anxiety and inadequacy, lacking the courage to face
them squarely, needing faith that God will help us to overcome our problems as
we submit ourselves to his design for our lives. Our mission at Fountain Gate
is to help people find rest from the conflicts they experience within
themselves and with others, and, for those who desire it, to discover the love
of God expressed through his son Jesus Christ.<br />
<br />
In 2012 Fountain Gate has had the opportunity to provide 4500 sessions of
counseling (a 42% increase over 2011) to 301 individuals, 100 couples, and 34
families. In addition, we provided 32 therapeutic and educational
workshops for 180 participants. This year also saw the start of </span><a href="http://fountaingate.us1.list-manage.com/track/click?u=1cef9ebebdb26032820b6ab5e&id=c608d3d42a&e=075cff52f2" target="_blank"><span style="color: #2a548a; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Fountain Gate Gardens</span></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> , a community project promoting
healthy lifestyles, and offering opportunities for personal connection with
others. In 2013 we anticipate continued growth in our counseling and gardening
programs, while we also hope to branch out into new areas, such as services to
veterans, and retreats on a variety of spiritual and mental health topics.<br />
<br />
We are grateful for the opportunities we have had to serve the people who have
come to us – from 9 counties in the metro Atlanta area – and we are grateful
for the support and encouragement we have received from so many. Over forty
leaders from churches, schools, businesses, and city, county, and state
governments have visited our facilities this year, and have strongly endorsed
our vision and our work. What a wonderful experience to connect with others who
have a heart for the well-being of our community!<br />
<br />
Please hold us in your thoughts and prayers as we walk with others in their
journeys toward healing and wholeness. In our personal and societal brokenness,
the prescription for many is a listening ear in a safe environment – it’s an
introduction to unconditional love, made possible only by the grace of God.<br />
<br />
May the peace of Christ and the comfort of God reign in our hearts during this
time and season.<br />
<br />
</span><a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-craig-torell" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Craig Torell</span></a><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">
Executive Director</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-19697241663363841582012-11-19T07:44:00.000-08:002012-11-19T07:46:00.747-08:00Pausing for Gratitude<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgovjznpntigvzSp7hsNg2mNSxKI6PE5YuqLcYXziE8qcBsV7viKd2B4b3CvzDD51k9FsLCMb1UnQCDhz8JnUQSILNN01ISGRbkqAoGcOYTezl9ohh9NRliHP4jo9lnzYYmVOStqzFLHmo/s1600/R0372-175.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgovjznpntigvzSp7hsNg2mNSxKI6PE5YuqLcYXziE8qcBsV7viKd2B4b3CvzDD51k9FsLCMb1UnQCDhz8JnUQSILNN01ISGRbkqAoGcOYTezl9ohh9NRliHP4jo9lnzYYmVOStqzFLHmo/s1600/R0372-175.jpg" /></a></div>
by <a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-linda-schulze" target="_blank">Linda Schulze, M.S.W., LCSW</a><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 11pt;">Early
November is time for me to take a deep breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s a brief period where the craziness of early fall has come to end
and the holiday season hasn’t started yet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s a time to pause and be thankful even as we prepare for Thanksgiving
rituals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Psychologists tell us that
being thankful, looking for areas in our lives that we can be grateful, can
have a positive effect on our health.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Being purposeful about noticing things we can be grateful for has been correlated
with better health, sounder sleep, <a href="http://personalpages.manchester.ac.uk/staff/alex.wood/gratitudereview.pdf" title="Wood, Froh and Geraghty, "><span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">less anxiety and depression</span></a>, higher
long-term satisfaction with life and <a href="http://generallythinking.com/research/mccullough-m-e-kimeldorf-m-b-cohen-a-d-2008-an-adaptation-for-altruism-the-social-causes-social-effects-and-social-evolution-of-gratitude/" title="McCullough, Kimeldorf and Cohen, "><span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">kinder behavior</span></a> toward
others, including <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01273.x/abstract" title="Algoe, Gable and Maisel, "><span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">romantic partners</span></a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 11pt;">The
purposeful part is important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gratitude
is an emotion we don’t necessarily feel unless we give it some attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As we do make an effort to intentionally be
grateful, we will find it will become easier and experience the positive mental
and physical effects. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It also can help
reduce stress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Looking for what we can
be thankful can help us be less likely to experience stress producing emotions
like envy, resentment, anger, and regret.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 11pt;">This
month, find a notebook and start a grateful journal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the end of each day, note a few things for
which you are grateful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Especially notice what you are grateful for
about the people in your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This can
help you feel more connected and compassionate toward others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 11pt;">Another
idea, recommended by Dr. Martin Seligman of the University of Pennsylvania, begins
with writing a 300-word letter to someone who changed your life for the better.
Be specific about what the person did and how it affected you. Deliver it in
person, preferably without telling the person in advance what the visit is
about. When you get there, read the whole thing slowly to your benefactor. “You
will be happier and less depressed one month from now,” Dr. Seligman <a href="http://books.simonandschuster.com/Flourish/Martin-E-P-Seligman/9781439190753" title=""><span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">guarantees</span></a> in his book “Flourish.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 11pt;">The
Bible recommends in many places to cultivate thanksgiving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In one place, the author wrote to a group of
Christians about relating to one another. He recommended that they live in with
the peace of Christ in their hearts and be thankful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He goes on to say that as they are talking to
each other do so with gratitude in their hearts toward God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He finishes the thought with, “Whatever you
do whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving
thanks to God the Father though him.” Colossians 3:15-17<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 11pt;">It
would be great to go into December with a little less anxiety and a little
better sleep!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my house we make a
Thanksgiving poster and family members write throughout the month of November
things for which they are thankful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
started it a few years ago and now my kids ask each fall, “Is it time to make
the poster?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-47003732259114157032012-09-11T11:46:00.000-07:002012-09-11T11:53:33.862-07:00Struggling with “F” Words: Thoughts from a Fellow Feaster<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyi6KhprKU3GfevAEC-trlBKhoetYfB-r6nSFcfxs_uhnaupGygN1QxlHImQhEMcQF3MGR0II0XYCfrZ_X7EV8gZA9OFFmV0eSGF71OJayoK69N6Goofz5UbInXf54LUas7QoGVCp7K5c/s1600/R289-175.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyi6KhprKU3GfevAEC-trlBKhoetYfB-r6nSFcfxs_uhnaupGygN1QxlHImQhEMcQF3MGR0II0XYCfrZ_X7EV8gZA9OFFmV0eSGF71OJayoK69N6Goofz5UbInXf54LUas7QoGVCp7K5c/s1600/R289-175.jpg" /></a><br />
by Deb Torell, M.A., LPC. LMFT<br />
<br />
Being a Christian woman, I try to avoid swearing. Even when angry or Frustrated, there has to be a better way to communicate how one is Feeling. But I have to admit, I still struggle a lot with “F” words.<br />
<br />
For example, the word Fat. Not a pretty word in my opinion, so it requires a bit of self disclosure. The word Fat brings back childhood Feelings of being undisciplined and needy. My mom was slender and always worried about her Figure…and mine. She was horrified when she learned that I was eating the unwanted Food of others at the school lunch table---the cookies, chips, and other stuff that other kids did not want to eat. Who knew that I was Feeding my Feelings after my parents divorce? However, my habits did explain my growing girth as a nine year old. Mom took me to the doctor, who told her I would “grow out of it” when I went through puberty. I eventually did, but my view of self as Fat did not change for some reason, even when my Figure was really quite Fabulous.<br />
<br />
Then there is the word Food in general. I suffer with the mixed messages from the experts, as we all do! What to eat? What not to eat? Is that safe? Why can’t I eat that and others can? The Fridge “should be” off limits after seven pm. Weigh yourself. Don’t weigh yourself. Watch the corn syrup. Read the labels. Don’t eat red meat. Eat chocolate. Drink vinegar. Watch your carbs. Count your calories. Uh oh! Here comes menopause! We all have to eat to stay alive, but there are so many confusing ideas about eating and Food in our culture! And, oh my, how it affects our view of self! How do we navigate Food and Feelings in a healthy, Functional way?<br />
<br />
There are tons of books out there on disordered eating, emotional eating and overeating. Take your pick! But remember that “Change happens,” says Geneen Roth in her book, <u>Breaking Free from Emotional Eating</u>,” the way a plant grows slowly, without force and with the essential nutrients of love and patience.” (pg. 139) Our eating habits and lifestyle have become entrenched in our brain, and making changes is a slow process. Gaining solid information on the purpose and role of food in our lives, becoming more aware of our habits, noticing our hunger and satiation, seeing places in our lives where we can begin to make small, incremental changes in the kinds of foods we eat, becoming more mindful as we eat (as opposed to being on automatic pilot when we consume food), these are all ways we can begin to enter into the process of a permanent change. The benefit of beginning the journey is that we will have more energy, less pain, and maybe we will get into those once tight jeans again! Even small successes and victories contribute to the building of our good feelings about ourselves.<br />
<br />
Fountain Gate is beginning a weekly group, Women, Food and Feelings, to aid you on your journey. It will meet beginning Wednesday, September 19th from 4:00 to 5:00 p.m. We will be discussing all kinds of topics around Fat, Fit, Food, and breaking Free from Emotional Eating. Having support and opportunities to process your particular struggles are key to success! Bring your Friends! We would love to see you there.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-84424777399729033222012-08-07T12:03:00.001-07:002012-08-09T13:21:06.288-07:00Balance-Checking Your Relationship<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0S1Ir2VJWXuX12cTHRxar_tERNuViZ7oF-3Hc6K1uZxF0Ae1F03iBfKcFNpPKtX6uezEbJJQhGlLyAJcHkbDbWZf9MlehjAVMQysqCWwDDPz-FZQP8k9K73JgYnF_shqiaAHD0c4OfbU/s1600/Tiff175.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0S1Ir2VJWXuX12cTHRxar_tERNuViZ7oF-3Hc6K1uZxF0Ae1F03iBfKcFNpPKtX6uezEbJJQhGlLyAJcHkbDbWZf9MlehjAVMQysqCWwDDPz-FZQP8k9K73JgYnF_shqiaAHD0c4OfbU/s1600/Tiff175.jpg" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">by </span><a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-tiffany-kingsfield" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tiffany Kingsfield, M.A., LAPC</span></a><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What does a healthy relationship
look like? Healthy relationships are havens of safety, with each partner being
intentional about hearing the other’s viewpoint. Decisions are made together,
and feelings are expressed without fear of reprisal. You can be a couple
without losing a sense of who you are and what God called you to be. Personal
growth, change, and exploration are encouraged, and one can say "no"
without feeling guilty. Healthy relationships depend on each partner’s
willingness to sacrificially serve one another in love and mutual respect. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sometimes, for a myriad of
reasons, relationships get “out of balance.” Depression or illness strikes, and
one partner will bear more of the burden for the sick partner. Addiction can
rob a partner of his/her helpmate because all attention goes to managing the
addiction. Another little discussed dynamic that causes imbalance in a
relationship is the presence of “control” when one partner intimidates and/or
dominates the other partner.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Control occurs across all
socioeconomic, religious, cultural and age ranges. Recent statistics show that
one in four high school girls and one in five college women have experienced
control/abuse in dating relationships. (The vast majority of victims of control
and abuse are women, but there are men who are victims as well.) Controlling relationships usually start as “fairy tale” romances, with an excessive
amount of attention and admiration that feels exhilarating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Early on, there is often pressure to become
serious quickly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Statements like “You’re
the only one for me,” or “No one has ever made me feel this way” are common at
the beginning of controlling relationships. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then, little amounts of jealousy
and control begin to creep in subtly, as the controlling partner becomes a
little more jealous, dominating and intimidating. Cellphones and emails may
start being monitored, and accusations are made about whether one looked at or
talked to other men/women. Financial control is another aspect in controlling
relationships. Controllers may allow their partners to carry only small amounts
of money, and meticulously monitor how the money is spent. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In these situations, the recipient’s response is often
to agree to restrict spending, activities and friendships to reassure the
controller that he/she needn’t worry and restore calm to the household.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This works for a short while, but then
accusations increase, and more and more tension and isolation often occur. A
cycle begins where there is a season of mounting tension often described as
“walking on eggshells.” This becomes very familiar to the victims, who have a
sense of fear and dread waiting for the coming explosion of anger. The second
phase in the cycle is the “explosion,” where the controller rages, and
sometimes damages property. Passive aggression - or withholding of love and
attention - is common as well. After the explosion, a powerfully addictive
“honeymoon phase” occurs, where the abuser gives profuse apologies, excuses and
promises to change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately,
without the abuser seeking professional help, change is unlikely, and in many
cases emotional abuse progresses to physical abuse.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
church is sadly not immune to the control/abuse relationship dynamic. God
commands husbands to sacrificially love their wives, and control is a
distortion of leadership.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God does not support
hiding sinful or criminal behavior. God says sin needs to be exposed, and He
“Upholds the cause of the oppressed“ (Ps. 146:7). Exposing the secret by seeking
help is ultimately for the highest good of both partners, and is a loving
response to oppression. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In his
excellent book, <u>Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and
Controlling Men, </u>Lundy Bancroft exposes truths about the mindset of
controllers, which he states is a mindset of entitlement. (Note: Bancroft’s
book refers to the controller as “he” and the victim “she” in his writing.)
Bancroft has worked with many controllers and their partners, and he states
that feeling sorry for the controller is a trap. When a controller feels bad,
“he thinks that life should stop for everyone in the family until someone fixes
his discomfort” (31). Bancroft states that it is important to remember that
abusers give themselves permission to abuse. It is a conscious decision based
on a distorted mindset that they are “owed something” by you that they are not
getting. Boosting an abuser’s self esteem actually makes the problem worse,
because the more catering he receives, the more he demands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you
find yourself having to hide your feelings due to fear of triggering your
partner, or feeling that you can never do anything “right” in your
relationship, you may be in a relationship with a controller. In addition, if
you are being blamed or criticized frequently, that is a warning sign. If you
begin to feel a loss of independence, numbness, or a loss of the “self” that
you used to be, it may be time to seek professional help. One of the side
effects of being in a controlling relationship is the intense disappointment of
the heart – wanting loving involvement from your partner, and hoping desperately
that things will improve. Proverbs 31:12 says,” Hope deferred makes the heart
sick.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you
or someone you care about is in a relationship that is controlling, there are
many resources available to help you. The Georgia Coalition Against Domestic
Violence website,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><a href="http://gcadv.org/"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">http://www.gcadv.org</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> is a good place to start to
research your options.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Georgia’s 24-Hour
Domestic Violence Hotline is 1.800.33.HAVEN (1.800.334.2836).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The YWCA is also an excellent resource, and
the website is </span><a href="http://www.ywca.org/"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">http://www.ywca.org</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fountain Gate offers counseling offers
counseling on a sliding-fee scale.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
more information go to </span><a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">www.fountaingate.com</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
or call 770-218-9005. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-29315060848413656112012-07-16T07:16:00.000-07:002012-07-16T07:21:22.095-07:00Can a Leopard Change Its Spots? Facing the Need for Job or Career Change<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnZOaWz7DLMQ1C6VvgAJxcrT13g56eSG_9AQGwU4CLmMxgFzr7-946Q2QU0yaBu50IxEXfKtvGfu-Iau2Airg1pb2ITSg0CF7lC-Ke5Fr5jk8lVnAam9qLd4ShPonQAOo_Dr9JkB9kDoM/s1600/R0376-175.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnZOaWz7DLMQ1C6VvgAJxcrT13g56eSG_9AQGwU4CLmMxgFzr7-946Q2QU0yaBu50IxEXfKtvGfu-Iau2Airg1pb2ITSg0CF7lC-Ke5Fr5jk8lVnAam9qLd4ShPonQAOo_Dr9JkB9kDoM/s1600/R0376-175.jpg" /></a></div>
by <a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-craig-torell" target="_blank">Craig Torell, M.A., M. Div., LAPC, LAMFT</a><br />
<br />
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The paperwork for new clients at Fountain Gate Counseling
Center includes a list of unfinished sentences that the client must complete,
such as “The most important thing to me is ...,” “I worry about …,” “What I do
best is …,” and so forth; there are 24 sentences, covering a variety of
feelings and perceptions about the client’s life and circumstances. In my time
at Fountain Gate, the most common answer that I have seen on this list is the
response to “My biggest disappointment is … .” Many clients complete this
phrase by saying, “ … that I never went to [or finished] college.” In reality,
this isn’t about a college degree for its own sake, but a statement of discontent
over the individual’s current job, and despair over lost opportunities for
adequate and productive employment.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
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Whether or not a particular job requires a college degree or
other types of training, the prospect of job or career change can seem
overwhelming or even impossible. Nevertheless, many people do it: A<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">ccording to a 2010 new release
from the Bureau of Labor Statistics of the U.S. Department of Labor, “The
average person born in the latter years of the baby boom held 11 jobs from age
18 to age 44. More than three-fifths of these jobs were held from ages 18 to
27.” [ref: </span><a href="http://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/nlsoy.pdf"><span style="color: blue;">http://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/nlsoy.pdf</span></a>].
The task of job or career change can be approached the same as any big
challenge: Break the problem into small pieces and work on them one at a time.
For example, at Fountain Gate we administer the Strong Interest Inventory, a
questionnaire designed to help people discover and explore their personal
“cloud” of interests, opening up new possibilities for career development. From
there we work with clients to develop logical and attainable “next steps” in
their career journey. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
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Here are some common objections we hear when it comes to
changing jobs or careers:<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Entrenchment</b>:
“I’ve done [my particular job] my whole life, like my father and grandfather
before me – it’s all I know, there’s nothing else I could possibly do.” <o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Think
of a tree, tall and majestic, a picture of unchanging fortitude. And yet, even
the “unyielding” tree will turn its branches to adapt to available sunlight if
its surrounding environment changes. A tree can adapt – how much more can you, a
human being with God-given intelligence? </i><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">End-of-the-Line</b>:
“It’s too late to start over – I’m too old.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Change
is possible at any stage in life. Although some occupations may require years
of experience to master, it doesn’t take long even for a beginner to be
fruitful and productive in many lines of work. It’s never too late to become
what you were meant to be.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Inadequacy</b>:
“I don’t have what it takes.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You
will <u>never</u> know until you try. The most important ingredients for
successful job or career change are willingness, adaptability, and
perseverance. You simply must believe that you will “reap what you sow” – hard
work and focus, in concert with prayer, can accomplish miracles.</i><o:p> </o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Diminishment</b>:
“I’m not as smart as I used to be.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">For
some people, mental processing speed may peak in their 40’s, but all of us
benefit from experienced-based knowledge, which continues to grow into old age.
You may not be able to add a stack of numbers as fast as a 15-year-old, but
there is no shortcut or substitution for wisdom gained over a lifetime.</i><o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Construction
Delays</b>: “I can’t see how to get to where I want to be from where I am
today. There’s no path – the bridge is out.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Life
change is rarely instantaneous – that’s why we refer to it as a “process” and a
“journey.” It may take time, and that’s all the more reason to delay no longer.
The challenge can be met by establishing and meeting small (sometimes <u>very</u>
small), attainable goals: “The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with a Single
Step.”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<br />
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On a personal note, my wife Deb and I returned to school in
our mid-50’s, earned Masters degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy, passed two
national licensing exams, and began Fountain Gate, a nonprofit counseling
center that has grown to 9 counselors and 2 interns in 4 years, serving clients
from 9 metro Atlanta counties. We have just opened a community farm and garden
next to our counseling center, and we are actively working on expanding our
programs into retreats and seminars, while also teaching counseling overseas.
All of this is solely by the grace of God, who has enabled us to use what He
has given us for good.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Job and career change is all about attitude and perspective
– no one will do it for you, but <u>be encouraged</u>: The person in the mirror
is more than capable of taking the right steps!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-6715661162024236682012-06-06T08:41:00.002-07:002012-06-07T10:43:27.006-07:00How One Parent Learned to Walk<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaBZVKQscBVF67WoevF0TKzKTdSRvGoA-PDW5Ng9E5L2FdnaAh1n_3kxgzhKL0GFhf5Qi1oSEHxsIuqrPIMPxQVS24SzmzVObu_bWt5R1r0ZCz1DGtIWm0qSgqj034rRaPVsDLGgrI-Cw/s1600/R0316-175.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaBZVKQscBVF67WoevF0TKzKTdSRvGoA-PDW5Ng9E5L2FdnaAh1n_3kxgzhKL0GFhf5Qi1oSEHxsIuqrPIMPxQVS24SzmzVObu_bWt5R1r0ZCz1DGtIWm0qSgqj034rRaPVsDLGgrI-Cw/s1600/R0316-175.jpg" /></a>by <a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-dana-frederick" target="_blank">Dana Frederick, M.A., LPC, LMFT</a><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I recently consulted the newest version of the Dr Dobson
classic, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The New Strong-Willed Child.</i>
The first edition, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Strong-Willed
Child,</i> was published just in time for my parents to use it with me when I
was a pre-schooler trying to take over the house. Now that my toddler is trying
to do the same, I decided it was time to bone up on some parenting basics with
lots of reading and consulting with more experienced parents. As a counselor, I
help people regularly with child discipline, but there is a whole new point of
view when it’s your own child, and I needed some outside advice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The first thing I realized in my journey is that I have a
problem with authority. Don’t get me wrong, I am generally respectful of my
employers, husband, and others in authority in my life. However, in my
relationship with my child, I was not properly administering my authority over
him. I would say to myself, “He is still a baby. I will deal with that when he
is older.” I thought I was being kind and avoiding harshness by overlooking
areas where he needed training, but while I was talking myself out of
parenting, my baby had become a toddler pitching tents in areas I didn’t want
to camp out, like biting me with very sharp baby teeth! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As I considered the advice of others, I saw that in trying
to protect my child from teaching I didn’t think he was ready for, I was
actually leaving him to figure out the complex world of feeling frustration all
by himself. He needed help learning to manage frustration, as evidenced by
biting me when not getting his way! I realized my true job as a parent is to
use my authority lovingly, to shape his heart and mind, and not doing this was,
frankly, me neglecting a big part of my job.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">When I examined why I have been tentative to exercise my
authority over my own child, it dawned on me that being in authority can be
scary. I don’t always know the right or best thing to do in situations with my
child. By not dealing with certain situations, I was avoiding that vulnerable
feeling. But, I realized there is a further problem with my inaction: if I feel
insecure as a parent, how will my child grow up with a sense of confidence? I
realized that by not leading, I am really leading my child right down the same
road of insecurity and self-doubt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So, with true resolve, I decided to take a stand. Facing my
fears of the unknown, I refused to let defiant behaviors continue. Not for
everything right away, but for the top truly defiant behaviors (like biting me
or refusing to sit in his car seat or high chair). For a couple days, I think
my child was surprised at my newly-found backbone. But, in just two days, I
noticed a drastic change in his attitude and a wonderful surge in my confidence
as a parent. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I know what you are thinking, “What did you do? Time-outs,
spankings, take away things?” Well, I am not telling you what I did on purpose.
I tried discipline techniques with my child before, but they did not work until
I wrapped my arms around my parental authority and refused to let go. If you
are truly in a stance of embracing parental authority, I believe you will
figure out what consequences work for your individual child through trial and
error. In other words, your child will sense your “I-mean-business-attitude”
and respond to whatever you think is the right thing to do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">While my child may respond on a different timeframe than
others (I am not sure he is truly a “strong-willed” child as defined by Dobson,
or just a human being in need of basic training), I believe more strongly than
ever that all children need parental leadership and authority. And, my fear of
being inadequate was proven unfounded. My exercise of authority resulted in me
feeling more confident as a parent, yet humbled in knowing how hard the job is
and how much I need the input of others to do a good job. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where my son’s needs met my insecurities I
found a place where we were BOTH stretched to growth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So, I encourage you to walk with your child, or any child in
your life, into whatever place he or she may need you to go. You don’t have to
have all the answers, just be willing to venture into the unknown with them and
trust your resources to help lead the way. If you, like me, find yourself
getting stuck, that’s just a sign it’s time to consult with others, or read,
and then face the challenges. You will both be better for the journey.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And, as an end note, I feel compelled to add that parental
authority is an attitude administered with loving self-control, never as an
angry reaction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you find yourself
struggling with anger toward your children, it may be a sign that you have lost
the tender connection you want with your child through the trials of life. This,
too, can heal. Do not hesitate to seek outside help. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are several therapists at Fountain Gate
who specialize in helping with these and other parenting, child, and adolescent
issues.<o:p></o:p></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-84627594718144118062012-05-04T11:18:00.000-07:002012-05-07T14:11:22.565-07:00New Baby... New World!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbi7RMyKa3hok-_PoAc_b5Ndp0-N1p3tPhPDUV7gtFqdjurBuwgBm2_3D1g7ScCuNn_SGzLCYkqkOUfz-y-_mngds_ymx4_X6rqhaYH7teFDMQRilEv6A4C71aRl8DyjPY1o6e9mPSYxk/s1600/R0305-175.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbi7RMyKa3hok-_PoAc_b5Ndp0-N1p3tPhPDUV7gtFqdjurBuwgBm2_3D1g7ScCuNn_SGzLCYkqkOUfz-y-_mngds_ymx4_X6rqhaYH7teFDMQRilEv6A4C71aRl8DyjPY1o6e9mPSYxk/s1600/R0305-175.jpg" /></a></div>
by <a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-jenna-elliott" target="_blank">Jenna Elliott, M.A., LPC</a><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Becoming a parent is one of the most
amazing, beautiful, and difficult times in a couples life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a huge time of transition in the family
life cycle. When I was pregnant, people would ask if I was worried
and nervous about the labor and delivery that was rapidly approaching. I would
always reply with: " Yes, but I'm more nervous about what comes after
that… trying to raise a human being and keep it alive!" <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life as you know it changes significantly
in every way. It is such an exciting time filled with love, laughter, tears,
and lots of diapers! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> The relationship with your spouse will unavoidably
morph into something different, but it can become deeper and more fulfilling. I
heard all of the scary and disheartening statistics. The graphs in my
psychology classes clearly illustrated a significant drop in marital happiness
when the kids entered the picture. Oh no, I thought. My husband and I had finally
got the hang of this whole marriage thing (it only took 6 years) and now this
cute little baby is going to ruin it! We will never travel, have long conversations,
or see the inside of a movie theater again! This does not have to be your
truth. God has blessed your family with an amazing gift that has the power to
draw you closer, not tear you apart. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">There are several ways couples can
make this transition a little easier. The first of these is communication. We
all know how important this is in a marriage, and it is of even greater
importance when a baby enters the picture. A few important topics of
conversation should be parenting styles, expectations, and fears. The more you discuss
the fear of the “unknown”, the more “known” it will become. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This conversation should begin the moment you
find out you are going to become parents and never end! It is important that
you both get to a place where you are comfortable telling the other what you
need from them, and how they can best love and serve you. This will help to
create a strong foundation and lay the ground work for the “new” family
dynamic. <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">After the baby comes things will inevitably get a
little crazy. Sleep becomes a thing of the past, and that little bundle of joy
is taking up an incredibly large amount of your time. One or both spouses may
begin to feel neglected or unappreciated. It is in these stressful moments that
we have an important choice to make: are you going to have a "breakdown
moment" or a "growth moment"? When we are sleep deprived and
exhausted it is easy to jump straight to the hurtful comments and dirty looks,
but this will only serve to weaken the marriage and make caring for your little
one even more difficult. It is so important to stop, take a deep breath and
TALK about what is going on. Share in a nice way (I know...easier said than done)
how you are feeling. This conversation can be a catalyst for positive and
growth producing change. When my son was a newborn and I was home all day with
him, I couldn't wait for my husband to walk in from work so I could run to him
and...no, not kiss him or welcome him home, but hand the screaming baby to him.
He would get frustrated...I was frustrated, and after having plenty of
"breakdown moments" we finally had a conversation and as a result,
our "growth producing moment." I thought he was being selfish...after
all, I had cared for the baby ALL day. I failed to even consider the fact that
he had also just put in a 14 hr work day. We had a productive conversation and
decided he would have 20 minutes to decompress after work and then come and
help with the baby. It was a simple conversation, but had huge implications.
The resentment that was slowly building ceased to exist. Communication is reparative
and a catalyst to a healthy relationship. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><br />
It is vital that GRACE becomes a huge part of the marriage. We must learn to
choose our battles, and have the strength to walk away and let it go when it
will be more beneficial to the relationship. As much as you want to scream at
your husband that it is clearly <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">his</i>
turn to change the dirty diaper, it might be easier and better for your
marriage to take one for the team! You are both exhausted and trying to
navigate this baby thing together. Make the choice to be a team. Teammates
support each other; they cover for each other when the other can’t quite do it;
they cheer for the other when he/she succeeds (you got the baby to burp...way
to go honey!). Give grace and give the gift of forgiveness. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">A new member has joined
the family unit, but this does not mean you have to put your marital
relationship on the back burner. Make it your mission and priority to create
time for your spouse. Take the baby on a walk together, spend 20 minutes every
morning or evening talking, find a reliable babysitter and go get coffee or
dinner once a week. It is difficult, but far from impossible! The healthier the
marital relationship is, the healthier the entire family unit will be. The
marital relationship is an important foundation for a healthy family system.<br />
Marriage is an adventure and a baby will definitely add to the excitement.
Healthy communication, acting as a team, giving the gift of grace, and creating
time for each other will make the adventure even sweeter! Hang on tight and enjoy
the ride!<o:p></o:p></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-86262507891517514482012-04-11T11:59:00.000-07:002012-04-16T09:07:43.321-07:00Speaking Your Child's Love Language<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: black;">by <a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-melissa-troskie" target="_blank">Melissa Troskie, M.A., Ed.S., LPC</a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8Biikuhw6EJH-oMZNmkLulsc_J4gvprjcMV9eLIXwI-LiqJg9lcYTMwet9vxHMfnnuUaSa5uL8NaRV7fJzzmGEJLOOqOVB7dPEcm5GxcoKFK0B-OUwP0dEb1c8Verz5LUxzmmKhic3PA/s1600/R0324-crop175.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8Biikuhw6EJH-oMZNmkLulsc_J4gvprjcMV9eLIXwI-LiqJg9lcYTMwet9vxHMfnnuUaSa5uL8NaRV7fJzzmGEJLOOqOVB7dPEcm5GxcoKFK0B-OUwP0dEb1c8Verz5LUxzmmKhic3PA/s1600/R0324-crop175.jpg" /></a></div>
</div>
Have you heard of the concept of love languages? The idea is that people
primarily give and receive love through one of five ways: physical touch,
words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, or acts of service. There may
be a relationship that you can think of where it's felt as if you both
"were just speaking different languages." Regardless of all the
efforts made to express your love for the other, the message never seemed to
land. Well, this concept of five primary love languages is not
just applicable to our adult romantic relationships, but also extends
to our relationships with our children.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
Just
as our cars need fuel in order to run optimally, love is a child's deepest need
and is emotional fuel for him. Children need all five of these love
languages in order to keep their emotional tanks full; however, most have a
primary love language that satisfies more than others. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
The
first love language is physical touch. The most common forms of
expression are hugs and kisses; however, this language is not limited to only
these two. Some examples of ways that you can express this language to
your children include: reading a story while they are on your lap, spinning
them around, brushing their hair, massaging their arms with lotion, and tossing
them up and down. They key is to make sure that the touch is healthy and
age-appropriate. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
The
second love language is words of affirmation. This can be accomplished
through words of affection, endearment, praise, encouragement, and
guidance. It's crucial that the words "I love you" never be
polluted with conditional statements. Practice this language by expressing
appreciation for a child's specific behavior or commenting daily about what you
like about your child. If coming up with affirmations is challenging,
compile in advance a working list of "words of affirmations" to use
at appropriate times. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
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The
third love language is quality time. This requires the parent's undivided
attention towards a specific activity such as storytelling, conversing,
playing, and sharing feelings. This language is convenient as it can be
expressed anywhere. Some childhood misbehavior is an attempt
to obtain attention because in their minds negative attention is
still attention. Try spending a little extra one-on-one time with your
child and you might see an improvement in his behavior. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
The
fourth love language is gifts. For this language to be received, the gift
cannot be payment for services rendered, but a true expression of love towards
the child given in a sincere and unconditional way. Gifts have no price
value and can be as simple as something that others may see as a basic
necessity such as school clothes or shoes. The key is making a big deal
out of the gift by wrapping it and possibly presenting it in front of others.
The child will love the whole process and take pride in showing off the
gift to others.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
The
fifth love language is acts of service. Serving is more about doing what
is best for the child rather than focused on pleasing him. Parenting in
and of itself is a selfless act of service that doesn't have a predetermined
ending date. Parents express this love language through such means as
preparing meals, hosting gatherings, helping with homework, providing for the
family, and fixing something that's broken. The ultimate purpose of
service is to teach children how to compassionately and genuinely serve others
which will help mold them into mature adults. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
Children
will not have a primary language until about five years of age or older. Up
until that age, children need all five love languages equally in order to
develop emotionally. Discovering your child's primary love language can
take time. There are clues all around you; however, it's up to the parent
to play detective. Take into consideration these following five suggestions as
you seek to unveil your child's primary love language.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
1.
Observe how your child expresses love to you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
2.
Observe how your child expresses love to others.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
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3.
Listen to what your child requests most often.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
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4.
Notice what your child most frequently complains about.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
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5.
Give your child a choice between two options. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
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It
may take time and energy; however the rewards of keeping your child's emotional
love tank full will far outweigh any efforts and last the rest of his/her
life. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
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For
more information about love languages in children, please refer to the
following resource:<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
Chapman,
G., & Campbell, R. (1997). The five love languages of
children. Chicago: Northfield Publishing.<o:p></o:p></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-80271298603902563592012-03-09T09:15:00.001-08:002012-04-13T12:24:56.763-07:00Training for a Marathon Marriage<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZVcCMVQHQ7I_vrvFYuCplnAeUWzdOFue-x543xM19ZcYxiP0EVemyMAQbXaFBZvbUCM2PyBIl58DDbFPqV7c-8fC0bR2oAYbRLY8qi-j2Q-On9A_I6PEV4FJysyQGyXPviyVmMyHThOw/s1600/R0372-175.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZVcCMVQHQ7I_vrvFYuCplnAeUWzdOFue-x543xM19ZcYxiP0EVemyMAQbXaFBZvbUCM2PyBIl58DDbFPqV7c-8fC0bR2oAYbRLY8qi-j2Q-On9A_I6PEV4FJysyQGyXPviyVmMyHThOw/s1600/R0372-175.jpg" /></a></div>
by <a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-linda-schulze" target="_blank">Linda Schulze, M.S.W., LCSW, Clinical Director</a><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I recently returned from traveling to Myrtle Beach to
support my husband who was running in a marathon there. I started to think how
training for a marathon can give some perspective on the effort involved in a
successful marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First, a decision
has to be made to commit to do what it takes to complete the journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Training for a marathon is hard work and
involves training the body, mind and spirit for the task.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Marriage is also hard work and is most
successful when we are purposeful to train the body, mind and spirit for the
task of a healthy marriage.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
In marathon training, the body work begins with running,
running and more running.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Healthy eating
and good rest are also very important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Runners
train their bodies to burn sugars and fats differently then sedentary people so
that they can keep running for hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
married person uses their body differently than a single person as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In a marriage, it is important for partners
to spend time together, to work on listening well to one another, to talk in a
supportive way one another, and to commit to sexual intimacy with that one
person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will enhance your marriage to
train yourself to be willing to serve the other unexpectedly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will be easier and more natural in
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look at your marriage. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you involve yourself in an interest of your
partner’s that is not your interest?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
long-term rewards in your marriage will be many when partners are willing to
serve each other and be a part of each others’ interests.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
As runners choose to run even though they’re feeling
out-of-sorts, to run when it’s raining outside, to run when their legs get
heavy; they are training their mind to be strong through the challenges of the
26.2 miles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You guessed it—our minds
need training in marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We see the good
and the bad of our partners and we need to train our thoughts to focus on the
good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After I had my children, I gained
50 pounds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My husband never said or
communicated anything but love and attraction to me even with the extra
weight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now that I’ve lost the weight,
he still expresses love and attraction. He could have focused on the negative,
but he did not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He remained supportive
and hopeful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our marriages will be
stronger if we train our minds to have a hopeful perspective: to believe
conflict can be resolved, to assume the best in our partners instead of the
worst, to quickly recognize expectations and what to do about them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
A runner needs motivating words and friends to encourage
their spirit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a Christian, I look to
my relationship with God and with close friends to support my marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you have people around you that treat
their partners well?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do they brag about
their spouses or complain about them?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Choose to have friends that support your commitment to your relationship
and are committed to theirs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Choose a
friend or counselor that you can trust to help you through the hard times in
marriage, because everyone has those times as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
With training and work, like the runner, you can be
successful!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-9236885823024625562012-02-13T08:18:00.000-08:002012-02-14T13:00:54.993-08:00Intentional Relationships 101: Creating a Love Map<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIeX2ez-Yp-g1XvxRmMsCTGXfvdwUTaxGoSTBNiQlLlMKXjstjBECcEWbqeyF0WDmFbp3dmqrV-vyl6xlJzzu95-SJROypFNSfq6By1zKqT9wJJaMsKGtEDJDHj6s2ShuTA3mqOiUpHks/s1600/R0350.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIeX2ez-Yp-g1XvxRmMsCTGXfvdwUTaxGoSTBNiQlLlMKXjstjBECcEWbqeyF0WDmFbp3dmqrV-vyl6xlJzzu95-SJROypFNSfq6By1zKqT9wJJaMsKGtEDJDHj6s2ShuTA3mqOiUpHks/s200/R0350.jpg" width="132" /></a></div>
by Elisa Torell, M.A., LAPC<br />
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One of my guilty pleasures is
watching “Say Yes to the Dress” on the TLC channel. This reality TV show is
entirely devoted to which beautiful gown a girl will choose for the day she
walks down the aisle to marry the love of her life. To me, it’s almost the
epitome of our culture’s perception of true love! For most brides, it can be
impossible to think that the dress and the day that she “has dreamed about her
whole life” could result in anything but a perfect fairytale. And no man
watches the “most beautiful woman he has ever seen” walk towards him to commit
to the good and bad together with the thought that divorce may be only a few
years down the road. They are in love, what could possibly change? <o:p></o:p></div>
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Yet after the honeymoon when all
the excitement and glamour fades, too often couples experience a painful dose
of reality—the reality that “staying in love” actually takes some intentional
work! In his years of research with thousands couples, psychologist John Gottman claimed he could
predict with 91 percent accuracy whether or not couples would divorce after
observing them in as little as 5 minutes. Yikes! With so many varying opinions
out there about what makes or breaks a relationship, Gottman has sought to use
research to understand couples who have truly “made it work” and extract those
common principles that have made them successful. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A basic, yet vital, foundation of a healthy
relationship is a thorough knowledge of your partner. When
you first get to know someone, you must ask questions to find out his or her likes and dislikes, values, and passions. According to Gottman, healthy
couples don’t stop there. They continue to keep themselves familiar with each
other’s world on a consistent, even daily, basis. This requires making time for
communicating and checking in with each other. It doesn’t mean a full-fledged
Valentine’s Day event every week, but prioritizing each other in little ways to
keep each other updated on facts and feelings that change in each other’s
world. This includes everything from how he is adjusting to the new boss to her
current favorite song, to the bigger things like goals, life worries, values,
hopes and dreams. Such knowledge not only allows partners to truly love each
other (how can you love what you don’t know?), but Gottman’s research also
reveals that couples who have intimate knowledge of each other are better
equipped to weather life’s stresses and conflicts.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Below is
fun, light-hearted exercise you and your partner can do together to check-in
and see how well you know each other. Maybe set aside a date night to enjoy
this together! This exercise and further principles dealing with conflict and
cultivating a healthy relationship can be found in Gottman’s book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1329252633&sr=8-1" target="_blank"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work</i>.<o:p></o:p></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Love Map
20-Questions Game</b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Step 1:</span></b><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Together with your partner, pick twenty randon mubers between 1 and 60. Each of you then should list the selected numbers on the left-hand side of a blank sheet of paper. </span></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Step 2:</span></b><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Starting at the top of your number collumn, m</span>atch your numbers to the
questions on the following list.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Each of you should ask your partner </span>the question and decide if answered correctly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If correct, the person answering receives the indicated
points and the other receives 1 point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If answered incorrectly, neither receives points.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Make sure you both take a turn asking and answering every question! </span>The winner is the person with the higher score
after all 20 questions have been answered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Name my two closest friends. (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is my favorite musical group,
composer, or instrument? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What was I wearing when we first met?
(2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Name one of my hobbies. (3)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Where was I born? (1)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What stresses am I facing right now? (4)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Describe in detail what I did today, or
yesterday? (4)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">When is my birthday? (1)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is the date of our anniversary? (1)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Who is my favorite relative? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is my fondest unrealized dream? (5)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is my favorite flower? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is one of my greatest fears or
disaster scenarios? (3)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is my favorite time of day for
lovemaking? (3)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What makes me feel most competent? (4)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What turns me on sexually? (3)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is my favorite meal? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is my favorite way to spend an
evening? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is my favorite color? (1)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What personal improvements do I want to
make in my life? (4)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What kind of present would I like best?
(2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What was one of my best childhood
experiences? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What was my favorite vacation? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed?
(4)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Who is my greatest source of support
(other than you)? (3)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is my favorite sport? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What do I most like to do with time off?
(2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is one of my favorite weekend
activities? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is my favorite getaway place? (3)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is my favorite movie? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What are some of the important events
coming up in my life? How do I feel about them? (4)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What are some of my favorite ways to
work out? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Who was my best friend in childhood? (3)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is one of my favorite magazines?
(2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Name one of my major rivals or
“enemies”. (3)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What would I consider my ideal job? (4)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What do I fear the most? (4)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Who is my least favorite relative? (3)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is my favorite holiday? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What kinds of books do I most like to
read? (3)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is my favorite TV show? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Which side of the bed do I prefer? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What am I most sad about? (4)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Name one of my concerns or worries. (4)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What medical problems do I worry about?
(2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What was my most embarrassing moment?
(3)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What was my worst childhood experience?
(3)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Name two of the people I most admire.
(4)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Name my major rival or enemy. (3)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Of all the people we both know, who do I
like the least? (3)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is one of my favorite desserts? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is my social security number? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Name one of my favorite novels. (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is my favorite restaurant? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What are two of my aspirations, hopes,
and wishes? (4)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Do I have a secret ambition?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is it? (4)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What foods do I hate? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is my favorite animal? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">What is my favorite song? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Which sports team is my favorite? (2)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
</ol>
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<br />
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Unicode MS"; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1329252633&sr=8-1" target="_blank">Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.</a></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-16534329117691577462012-01-16T08:47:00.000-08:002012-01-17T13:44:06.339-08:00What is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDMYvEt9WV2W9O6P_x4ZHSE03N1ZSDSz8jWHl2tiqGSnmfNryknyjWDvrHma90bdMQ5tNJcsahh9VjcUAeORRRfi7vgW0s4nLvb78bbS-wpZyw_nnRip6f4TKBtuRF9_lYTvns0ZtXdjA/s1600/R289.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDMYvEt9WV2W9O6P_x4ZHSE03N1ZSDSz8jWHl2tiqGSnmfNryknyjWDvrHma90bdMQ5tNJcsahh9VjcUAeORRRfi7vgW0s4nLvb78bbS-wpZyw_nnRip6f4TKBtuRF9_lYTvns0ZtXdjA/s200/R289.jpg" width="132" /></a>by <a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-deb-torell" target="_blank">Deb Torell, M.A., LMFT, LPC</a></div>
<br />
Seasonal Affective
Disorder, or SAD, is a type of depression that affects a person during the same
season each year. If you get depressed in the winter, but feel better in spring
and summer, you may have SAD.<o:p></o:p><br />
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</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
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Anyone can get SAD,
but it is more common in areas of the country where winter days are very short.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Women are affected more often than men.<o:p></o:p></div>
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</div>
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<br /></div>
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If you have SAD, you
may feel grumpy, moody or anxious, lose interest in your usual activities, eat
more, crave carbohydrates and therefore gain weight, and sleep more or feel
drowsy during the day. You may withdraw socially, have a loss of energy, and
feel depressed and hopeless.<o:p></o:p></div>
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For most people,
symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By April or May, you feel much better and
have more energy.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s normal to have
some days when you feel down, but if you feel down for days at a time and
can’t seem to get motivated to do activities you normally enjoy, see your
doctor or a counselor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is particularly important
if you notice that your sleep patterns and appetite have changed, or if you
feel hopeless, think about suicide, or find yourself turning to alcohol for
comfort or relaxation.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The following
criteria must be met for a diagnosis of SAD:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>You experience depression and other symptoms for
at least two consecutive years, during the same season every year.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>These periods of depression are followed by
periods without depression.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>There are no other explanations for the changes
in your mood without depression.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Treatment for SAD
includes light therapy (phototherapy), psychotherapy and medications.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can also make lifestyle changes that may
help. These include getting outside
more, exercising regularly and making your environment sunnier and brighter. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no way to prevent the development of
SAD, but if you take steps early on to manage symptoms, you may be able to
prevent them from getting worse over time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>While symptoms usually get better on their own with the change of
seasons, symptoms can improve more quickly with treatment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t brush off that yearly feeling as simply
a case of the “winter blues” or a seasonal funk you have to tough out on your
own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take steps to keep your mood and
motivation steady throughout the year.<o:p></o:p></div>
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-29078266918841940902011-11-29T09:36:00.001-08:002012-01-16T08:54:34.440-08:00Keys to Better Holiday Communication<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
by <a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-joyce-geddie" target="_blank">Joyce Geddie, M.A., R.N., LAPC</a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNpeHov-DnPijpYm1R6217Jqx3lbge2AkYimYBnDSrgQyVxgPxHzkgY79Ci-aZNHqqU6oeFv7516HXyMT1F8dIfxBfjR5mpurOEq0IaynoHRaphsJYSJ9_EVanBdHBy7G0T_4y5CKp51w/s1600/R0334.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNpeHov-DnPijpYm1R6217Jqx3lbge2AkYimYBnDSrgQyVxgPxHzkgY79Ci-aZNHqqU6oeFv7516HXyMT1F8dIfxBfjR5mpurOEq0IaynoHRaphsJYSJ9_EVanBdHBy7G0T_4y5CKp51w/s200/R0334.jpg" width="132" /></a></div>
<br />
The holidays can be a wonderful, yet
very stressful time of the year. Healthy communication is an important aspect of
our relationships any time of the year, but this time of year all too often we carry
additional expectations, recall past hurts and disappointments, and engage in conflict<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>with those we most long to connect with. <br />
<br />
The
main reasons people have difficulty expressing themselves is because of the fear
of being discounted or ignored, rejected, embarrassed, or people fear being too
vulnerable with the other person (Balswick & Balswick, 2007). One of the
hallmarks of high-functioning families is that they communicate to each other in
a way that honestly expresses their feelings and concerns in a clear,
respectful manner and they in turn empathetically listen, consider and respond
appropriately. Of course, that is easier said than done. <br />
<br />
The good news is that
if you’d like to see improvements in the way your family communicates, change
can begin with you. We can all become better communicators if we begin to
increase our awareness, slow down our responses and clarify within ourselves
what needs and desires we have before we attempt to communicate them. Taking
time to pause and to think how we can best word our concerns without inflicting
angry or painful words on others is always helpful. Communication must be void
of destructive criticisms, resentments, and threats in order to promote
intimacy. If intense negative thoughts and emotions are brewing just under the
surface, it can be very difficult to be open to understanding and respectfully
listening to what a family member is saying. It is often very helpful to
communicate in a clear, non-demanding fashion to family members and is
unrealistic to expect them to read our minds and know what we need from them. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are all in a constant state of
communicating with others, whether it is verbally, nonverbally, or both. It can
be a valuable exercise to be aware of our own reactions to others’ nonverbal
communication and even to consider clarifying our interpretations with them rather
than making incorrect assumptions about the message we think they are sending. <br />
<br />
Additionally,
being aware of our own nonverbal communication helps us to investigate our
current feelings and consider any unresolved emotions our bodies may be
physically reacting to. If we learn to consistently communicate clearly with
honor and respect, it typically produces less of a defensive reaction in others,
and they are more inclined to try to understand and hear what is being said. <br />
<br />
As
we become more self-aware of our own motives, our nonverbal communication, any unresolved
emotions, or attempts to control others responses, we can begin to make
positive changes that produce a powerful impetus towards better family
communication. Successfully communicating is not an easy task and be aware you
won’t get it right every time you try, but even little steps can provide you with
more peace this stressful holiday season.<br />
<br />
If you need more assistance in learning
effective communication, we have a wonderful group of counselors at Fountain
Gate who are more than happy to assist you with your goals. Merry Christmas and
Happy New Year!</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; text-align: left;">
<em>References<o:p></o:p></em></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Balswick, J. O.,
& Balswick, J. K. (2007). <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The family:
A Christian perspective on the contemporary home. </i>Grand Rapids, MI: Baker
Publishing Group.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1452741711180790158.post-9309192087360111842011-11-15T08:52:00.000-08:002012-01-16T08:54:07.110-08:00Teaching Your Child Self-Control<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipgSvYbSLcXfaZxRxm9V43qpP8DofMd1A0Ao4MOxLv1Fznv4o8XurvZz2UDLQr5jX_CzzvO6Ubu-3aoWw2suSYeaM-Z-BquE72epvVWgdwKQxMz7WrOlG8NrBWRW3EYZfxtuSjQPr2VYM/s1600/R0281.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipgSvYbSLcXfaZxRxm9V43qpP8DofMd1A0Ao4MOxLv1Fznv4o8XurvZz2UDLQr5jX_CzzvO6Ubu-3aoWw2suSYeaM-Z-BquE72epvVWgdwKQxMz7WrOlG8NrBWRW3EYZfxtuSjQPr2VYM/s200/R0281.jpg" width="132" /></a></div>
by <a href="http://www.fountaingate.com/staff-marian-andrews" target="_blank">Marian Andrews, M.S.W., LCSW, Certified Parent Coach</a><br />
<br />
Children are not born with self-control. In fact, as babies they communicate by crying and they learn to expect someone to know what their needs are and take care of them. As a child becomes mobile, he begins moving from dependence on others to care for him to ultimate independence with the ability to do things and care for himself. However the road to independence is paved with frustration. Children begin to learn very quickly that they frequently don't get what they want, when they want it, and how they want it. Children often become frustrated very easily and they don't know how to communicate their feelings.<br />
<br />
As parents, it is our job to teach our kids life skills that make them independent. Self-control and the ability to communicate their feelings appropriately are two of the most important life skills that we can teach our children. A child is naturally frustrated and often communicates that frustration in inappropriate ways. As parents, it is our job to teach our children what is acceptable behavior and how to handle his frustration. One of the concrete ways we begin that process of learning self-control is to tell our children "no" and "wait". As parents, we have to assume the job of being the one to say no or to say wait and then we have to enforce that we mean what we say. In this culture, we often become more concerned about not making our children “unhappy" rather than teaching them to handle the words “no” and “wait.” If we focus primarily on keeping our children “happy," we rob them of learning the critical life skill of self-control.<br />
<br />
As parents we teach our children first and primarily by modeling self-controlled behavior. As our child's frustration level builds, we want them to take time to get control and express their emotions with appropriate voices and behavior. Therefore it is important that as we set appropriate limits for our children, we take a moment to be in control and speak in a calm, even tempered voice that communicates that we mean business. It is important that we give clear and concrete guidelines for what we want them to do and that we maintain control ourselves while we do that. We must be willing to follow through with consequences if our child's behavior is inappropriate so that they will learn to trust that we mean what we say.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com