Grief and Grace

Our nation is in mourning following last week’s murder of 20 schoolchildren, ages 6 and 7, along with 6 adults who tried to protect them. Authorities are still piecing together the details of this horrific event and the person who was behind them, while we are left with grief and unanswered questions: Are there no boundaries to the reach of evil in our lives?

“Connecticut massacre gunman described as awkward loner who felt no pain” (FoxNews.com, 12/16/12). We are now learning the story of a 20 year old man who was on the “outside” of his social group and whose extreme isolating behaviors had concerned the staff at his High School a few years before. He was also subject to the upheaval of his parents’ divorce in 2008, but what had driven him to bring fatal violence to the heart of his community, and to himself, at this time? There are unconfirmed reports that the gunman was to have been committed to a psychiatric institution by his mother, and that the killing spree was his reaction to the news.

Speaking at a memorial service for the victims, President Obama said that for these tragedies to end “we need to change.” According to the National Institute for Mental Health, approximately 26% of the U.S. adult population has a diagnosable mental health disorder. These numbers increase among low-income families, with studies showing 32% of individuals with low incomes report issues with depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems. There are many reasons for this, not the least of which is our culture itself, which facilitates – and sometimes celebrates – independence and isolation from one another and from our Creator.

The solution is found in deeply-seated spiritual and emotional healing. We are a disconnected people who have lost their way, personally and collectively. We run from our feelings of anxiety and inadequacy, lacking the courage to face them squarely, needing faith that God will help us to overcome our problems as we submit ourselves to his design for our lives. Our mission at Fountain Gate is to help people find rest from the conflicts they experience within themselves and with others, and, for those who desire it, to discover the love of God expressed through his son Jesus Christ.

In 2012 Fountain Gate has had the opportunity to provide 4500 sessions of counseling (a 42% increase over 2011) to 301 individuals, 100 couples, and 34 families. In addition, we provided 32 therapeutic and educational workshops for 180 participants. This year also saw the start of Fountain Gate Gardens , a community project promoting healthy lifestyles, and offering opportunities for personal connection with others. In 2013 we anticipate continued growth in our counseling and gardening programs, while we also hope to branch out into new areas, such as services to veterans, and retreats on a variety of spiritual and mental health topics.

We are grateful for the opportunities we have had to serve the people who have come to us – from 9 counties in the metro Atlanta area – and we are grateful for the support and encouragement we have received from so many. Over forty leaders from churches, schools, businesses, and city, county, and state governments have visited our facilities this year, and have strongly endorsed our vision and our work. What a wonderful experience to connect with others who have a heart for the well-being of our community!

Please hold us in your thoughts and prayers as we walk with others in their journeys toward healing and wholeness. In our personal and societal brokenness, the prescription for many is a listening ear in a safe environment – it’s an introduction to unconditional love, made possible only by the grace of God.

May the peace of Christ and the comfort of God reign in our hearts during this time and season.

Craig Torell
Executive Director

Pausing for Gratitude

by Linda Schulze, M.S.W., LCSW

Early November is time for me to take a deep breath.  It’s a brief period where the craziness of early fall has come to end and the holiday season hasn’t started yet.  It’s a time to pause and be thankful even as we prepare for Thanksgiving rituals.  Psychologists tell us that being thankful, looking for areas in our lives that we can be grateful, can have a positive effect on our health.  Being purposeful about noticing things we can be grateful for has been correlated with better health, sounder sleep, less anxiety and depression, higher long-term satisfaction with life and kinder behavior toward others, including romantic partners.   

The purposeful part is important.  Gratitude is an emotion we don’t necessarily feel unless we give it some attention.  As we do make an effort to intentionally be grateful, we will find it will become easier and experience the positive mental and physical effects.   It also can help reduce stress.  Looking for what we can be thankful can help us be less likely to experience stress producing emotions like envy, resentment, anger, and regret. 

This month, find a notebook and start a grateful journal.  At the end of each day, note a few things for which you are grateful.   Especially notice what you are grateful for about the people in your life.   This can help you feel more connected and compassionate toward others. 

Another idea, recommended by Dr. Martin Seligman of the University of Pennsylvania, begins with writing a 300-word letter to someone who changed your life for the better. Be specific about what the person did and how it affected you. Deliver it in person, preferably without telling the person in advance what the visit is about. When you get there, read the whole thing slowly to your benefactor. “You will be happier and less depressed one month from now,” Dr. Seligman guarantees in his book “Flourish.” 

The Bible recommends in many places to cultivate thanksgiving.  In one place, the author wrote to a group of Christians about relating to one another. He recommended that they live in with the peace of Christ in their hearts and be thankful.  He goes on to say that as they are talking to each other do so with gratitude in their hearts toward God.  He finishes the thought with, “Whatever you do whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father though him.” Colossians 3:15-17

It would be great to go into December with a little less anxiety and a little better sleep!  In my house we make a Thanksgiving poster and family members write throughout the month of November things for which they are thankful.   I started it a few years ago and now my kids ask each fall, “Is it time to make the poster?”  

Struggling with “F” Words: Thoughts from a Fellow Feaster

by Deb Torell, M.A., LPC. LMFT

Being a Christian woman, I try to avoid swearing. Even when angry or Frustrated, there has to be a better way to communicate how one is Feeling. But I have to admit, I still struggle a lot with “F” words.

 For example, the word Fat. Not a pretty word in my opinion, so it requires a bit of self disclosure. The word Fat brings back childhood Feelings of being undisciplined and needy. My mom was slender and always worried about her Figure…and mine. She was horrified when she learned that I was eating the unwanted Food of others at the school lunch table---the cookies, chips, and other stuff that other kids did not want to eat. Who knew that I was Feeding my Feelings after my parents divorce? However, my habits did explain my growing girth as a nine year old. Mom took me to the doctor, who told her I would “grow out of it” when I went through puberty. I eventually did, but my view of self as Fat did not change for some reason, even when my Figure was really quite Fabulous.

Then there is the word Food in general. I suffer with the mixed messages from the experts, as we all do! What to eat? What not to eat? Is that safe? Why can’t I eat that and others can? The Fridge “should be” off limits after seven pm. Weigh yourself. Don’t weigh yourself. Watch the corn syrup. Read the labels. Don’t eat red meat. Eat chocolate. Drink vinegar. Watch your carbs. Count your calories. Uh oh! Here comes menopause! We all have to eat to stay alive, but there are so many confusing ideas about eating and Food in our culture! And, oh my, how it affects our view of self! How do we navigate Food and Feelings in a healthy, Functional way?

There are tons of books out there on disordered eating, emotional eating and overeating. Take your pick! But remember that “Change happens,” says Geneen Roth in her book, Breaking Free from Emotional Eating,” the way a plant grows slowly, without force and with the essential nutrients of love and patience.” (pg. 139)  Our eating habits and lifestyle have become entrenched in our brain, and making changes is a slow process. Gaining solid information on the purpose and role of food in our lives, becoming more aware of our habits, noticing our hunger and satiation, seeing places in our lives where we can begin to make small, incremental changes in the kinds of foods we eat, becoming more mindful as we eat (as opposed to being on automatic pilot when we consume food), these are all ways we can begin to enter into the process of a permanent change. The benefit of beginning the journey is that we will have more energy, less pain, and maybe we will get into those once tight jeans again! Even small successes and victories contribute to the building of our good feelings about ourselves.

Fountain Gate is beginning a weekly group, Women, Food and Feelings, to aid you on your journey. It will meet beginning Wednesday, September 19th from 4:00 to 5:00 p.m. We will be discussing all kinds of topics around Fat, Fit, Food, and breaking Free from Emotional Eating. Having support and opportunities to process your particular struggles are key to success! Bring your Friends! We would love to see you there.

Balance-Checking Your Relationship

by Tiffany Kingsfield, M.A., LAPC

What does a healthy relationship look like? Healthy relationships are havens of safety, with each partner being intentional about hearing the other’s viewpoint. Decisions are made together, and feelings are expressed without fear of reprisal. You can be a couple without losing a sense of who you are and what God called you to be. Personal growth, change, and exploration are encouraged, and one can say "no" without feeling guilty. Healthy relationships depend on each partner’s willingness to sacrificially serve one another in love and mutual respect.

Sometimes, for a myriad of reasons, relationships get “out of balance.” Depression or illness strikes, and one partner will bear more of the burden for the sick partner. Addiction can rob a partner of his/her helpmate because all attention goes to managing the addiction. Another little discussed dynamic that causes imbalance in a relationship is the presence of “control” when one partner intimidates and/or dominates the other partner.

Control occurs across all socioeconomic, religious, cultural and age ranges. Recent statistics show that one in four high school girls and one in five college women have experienced control/abuse in dating relationships. (The vast majority of victims of control and abuse are women, but there are men who are victims as well.) Controlling relationships usually start as “fairy tale” romances, with an excessive amount of attention and admiration that feels exhilarating.  Early on, there is often pressure to become serious quickly.  Statements like “You’re the only one for me,” or “No one has ever made me feel this way” are common at the beginning of controlling relationships.

Then, little amounts of jealousy and control begin to creep in subtly, as the controlling partner becomes a little more jealous, dominating and intimidating. Cellphones and emails may start being monitored, and accusations are made about whether one looked at or talked to other men/women. Financial control is another aspect in controlling relationships. Controllers may allow their partners to carry only small amounts of money, and meticulously monitor how the money is spent.

In these situations, the recipient’s response is often to agree to restrict spending, activities and friendships to reassure the controller that he/she needn’t worry and restore calm to the household.  This works for a short while, but then accusations increase, and more and more tension and isolation often occur. A cycle begins where there is a season of mounting tension often described as “walking on eggshells.” This becomes very familiar to the victims, who have a sense of fear and dread waiting for the coming explosion of anger. The second phase in the cycle is the “explosion,” where the controller rages, and sometimes damages property. Passive aggression - or withholding of love and attention - is common as well. After the explosion, a powerfully addictive “honeymoon phase” occurs, where the abuser gives profuse apologies, excuses and promises to change.  Unfortunately, without the abuser seeking professional help, change is unlikely, and in many cases emotional abuse progresses to physical abuse.

The church is sadly not immune to the control/abuse relationship dynamic. God commands husbands to sacrificially love their wives, and control is a distortion of leadership.  God does not support hiding sinful or criminal behavior. God says sin needs to be exposed, and He “Upholds the cause of the oppressed“ (Ps. 146:7). Exposing the secret by seeking help is ultimately for the highest good of both partners, and is a loving response to oppression.

In his excellent book, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft exposes truths about the mindset of controllers, which he states is a mindset of entitlement. (Note: Bancroft’s book refers to the controller as “he” and the victim “she” in his writing.) Bancroft has worked with many controllers and their partners, and he states that feeling sorry for the controller is a trap. When a controller feels bad, “he thinks that life should stop for everyone in the family until someone fixes his discomfort” (31). Bancroft states that it is important to remember that abusers give themselves permission to abuse. It is a conscious decision based on a distorted mindset that they are “owed something” by you that they are not getting. Boosting an abuser’s self esteem actually makes the problem worse, because the more catering he receives, the more he demands. 

If you find yourself having to hide your feelings due to fear of triggering your partner, or feeling that you can never do anything “right” in your relationship, you may be in a relationship with a controller. In addition, if you are being blamed or criticized frequently, that is a warning sign. If you begin to feel a loss of independence, numbness, or a loss of the “self” that you used to be, it may be time to seek professional help. One of the side effects of being in a controlling relationship is the intense disappointment of the heart – wanting loving involvement from your partner, and hoping desperately that things will improve. Proverbs 31:12 says,” Hope deferred makes the heart sick.”

If you or someone you care about is in a relationship that is controlling, there are many resources available to help you. The Georgia Coalition Against Domestic Violence website,  http://www.gcadv.org is a good place to start to research your options.  Georgia’s 24-Hour Domestic Violence Hotline is 1.800.33.HAVEN (1.800.334.2836).  The YWCA is also an excellent resource, and the website is http://www.ywca.org.  Fountain Gate offers counseling offers counseling on a sliding-fee scale.  For more information go to www.fountaingate.com or call 770-218-9005.

Can a Leopard Change Its Spots? Facing the Need for Job or Career Change

by Craig Torell, M.A., M. Div., LAPC, LAMFT

The paperwork for new clients at Fountain Gate Counseling Center includes a list of unfinished sentences that the client must complete, such as “The most important thing to me is ...,” “I worry about …,” “What I do best is …,” and so forth; there are 24 sentences, covering a variety of feelings and perceptions about the client’s life and circumstances. In my time at Fountain Gate, the most common answer that I have seen on this list is the response to “My biggest disappointment is … .” Many clients complete this phrase by saying, “ … that I never went to [or finished] college.” In reality, this isn’t about a college degree for its own sake, but a statement of discontent over the individual’s current job, and despair over lost opportunities for adequate and productive employment.

Whether or not a particular job requires a college degree or other types of training, the prospect of job or career change can seem overwhelming or even impossible. Nevertheless, many people do it: According to a 2010 new release from the Bureau of Labor Statistics of the U.S. Department of Labor, “The average person born in the latter years of the baby boom held 11 jobs from age 18 to age 44. More than three-fifths of these jobs were held from ages 18 to 27.” [ref: http://www.bls.gov/news.release/pdf/nlsoy.pdf]. The task of job or career change can be approached the same as any big challenge: Break the problem into small pieces and work on them one at a time. For example, at Fountain Gate we administer the Strong Interest Inventory, a questionnaire designed to help people discover and explore their personal “cloud” of interests, opening up new possibilities for career development. From there we work with clients to develop logical and attainable “next steps” in their career journey.

Here are some common objections we hear when it comes to changing jobs or careers:

·         Entrenchment: “I’ve done [my particular job] my whole life, like my father and grandfather before me – it’s all I know, there’s nothing else I could possibly do.”  

Think of a tree, tall and majestic, a picture of unchanging fortitude. And yet, even the “unyielding” tree will turn its branches to adapt to available sunlight if its surrounding environment changes. A tree can adapt – how much more can you, a human being with God-given intelligence?

·         End-of-the-Line: “It’s too late to start over – I’m too old.”

Change is possible at any stage in life. Although some occupations may require years of experience to master, it doesn’t take long even for a beginner to be fruitful and productive in many lines of work. It’s never too late to become what you were meant to be.

·         Inadequacy: “I don’t have what it takes.”

You will never know until you try. The most important ingredients for successful job or career change are willingness, adaptability, and perseverance. You simply must believe that you will “reap what you sow” – hard work and focus, in concert with prayer, can accomplish miracles. 

·         Diminishment: “I’m not as smart as I used to be.”

For some people, mental processing speed may peak in their 40’s, but all of us benefit from experienced-based knowledge, which continues to grow into old age. You may not be able to add a stack of numbers as fast as a 15-year-old, but there is no shortcut or substitution for wisdom gained over a lifetime. 

·         Construction Delays: “I can’t see how to get to where I want to be from where I am today. There’s no path – the bridge is out.”

Life change is rarely instantaneous – that’s why we refer to it as a “process” and a “journey.” It may take time, and that’s all the more reason to delay no longer. The challenge can be met by establishing and meeting small (sometimes very small), attainable goals: “The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with a Single Step.”

On a personal note, my wife Deb and I returned to school in our mid-50’s, earned Masters degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy, passed two national licensing exams, and began Fountain Gate, a nonprofit counseling center that has grown to 9 counselors and 2 interns in 4 years, serving clients from 9 metro Atlanta counties. We have just opened a community farm and garden next to our counseling center, and we are actively working on expanding our programs into retreats and seminars, while also teaching counseling overseas. All of this is solely by the grace of God, who has enabled us to use what He has given us for good.

Job and career change is all about attitude and perspective – no one will do it for you, but be encouraged: The person in the mirror is more than capable of taking the right steps!

How One Parent Learned to Walk

by Dana Frederick, M.A., LPC, LMFT

I recently consulted the newest version of the Dr Dobson classic, The New Strong-Willed Child. The first edition, The Strong-Willed Child, was published just in time for my parents to use it with me when I was a pre-schooler trying to take over the house. Now that my toddler is trying to do the same, I decided it was time to bone up on some parenting basics with lots of reading and consulting with more experienced parents. As a counselor, I help people regularly with child discipline, but there is a whole new point of view when it’s your own child, and I needed some outside advice.

The first thing I realized in my journey is that I have a problem with authority. Don’t get me wrong, I am generally respectful of my employers, husband, and others in authority in my life. However, in my relationship with my child, I was not properly administering my authority over him. I would say to myself, “He is still a baby. I will deal with that when he is older.” I thought I was being kind and avoiding harshness by overlooking areas where he needed training, but while I was talking myself out of parenting, my baby had become a toddler pitching tents in areas I didn’t want to camp out, like biting me with very sharp baby teeth!

As I considered the advice of others, I saw that in trying to protect my child from teaching I didn’t think he was ready for, I was actually leaving him to figure out the complex world of feeling frustration all by himself. He needed help learning to manage frustration, as evidenced by biting me when not getting his way! I realized my true job as a parent is to use my authority lovingly, to shape his heart and mind, and not doing this was, frankly, me neglecting a big part of my job.

When I examined why I have been tentative to exercise my authority over my own child, it dawned on me that being in authority can be scary. I don’t always know the right or best thing to do in situations with my child. By not dealing with certain situations, I was avoiding that vulnerable feeling. But, I realized there is a further problem with my inaction: if I feel insecure as a parent, how will my child grow up with a sense of confidence? I realized that by not leading, I am really leading my child right down the same road of insecurity and self-doubt.

So, with true resolve, I decided to take a stand. Facing my fears of the unknown, I refused to let defiant behaviors continue. Not for everything right away, but for the top truly defiant behaviors (like biting me or refusing to sit in his car seat or high chair). For a couple days, I think my child was surprised at my newly-found backbone. But, in just two days, I noticed a drastic change in his attitude and a wonderful surge in my confidence as a parent.

I know what you are thinking, “What did you do? Time-outs, spankings, take away things?” Well, I am not telling you what I did on purpose. I tried discipline techniques with my child before, but they did not work until I wrapped my arms around my parental authority and refused to let go. If you are truly in a stance of embracing parental authority, I believe you will figure out what consequences work for your individual child through trial and error. In other words, your child will sense your “I-mean-business-attitude” and respond to whatever you think is the right thing to do.

While my child may respond on a different timeframe than others (I am not sure he is truly a “strong-willed” child as defined by Dobson, or just a human being in need of basic training), I believe more strongly than ever that all children need parental leadership and authority. And, my fear of being inadequate was proven unfounded. My exercise of authority resulted in me feeling more confident as a parent, yet humbled in knowing how hard the job is and how much I need the input of others to do a good job.  Where my son’s needs met my insecurities I found a place where we were BOTH stretched to growth.

So, I encourage you to walk with your child, or any child in your life, into whatever place he or she may need you to go. You don’t have to have all the answers, just be willing to venture into the unknown with them and trust your resources to help lead the way. If you, like me, find yourself getting stuck, that’s just a sign it’s time to consult with others, or read, and then face the challenges. You will both be better for the journey.

And, as an end note, I feel compelled to add that parental authority is an attitude administered with loving self-control, never as an angry reaction.  If you find yourself struggling with anger toward your children, it may be a sign that you have lost the tender connection you want with your child through the trials of life. This, too, can heal. Do not hesitate to seek outside help.  There are several therapists at Fountain Gate who specialize in helping with these and other parenting, child, and adolescent issues.

New Baby... New World!

by Jenna Elliott, M.A., LPC

Becoming a parent is one of the most amazing, beautiful, and difficult times in a couples life.  It is a huge time of transition in the family life cycle. When I was pregnant, people would ask if I was worried and nervous about the labor and delivery that was rapidly approaching. I would always reply with: " Yes, but I'm more nervous about what comes after that… trying to raise a human being and keep it alive!"  Life as you know it changes significantly in every way. It is such an exciting time filled with love, laughter, tears, and lots of diapers! 

 The relationship with your spouse will unavoidably morph into something different, but it can become deeper and more fulfilling. I heard all of the scary and disheartening statistics. The graphs in my psychology classes clearly illustrated a significant drop in marital happiness when the kids entered the picture. Oh no, I thought. My husband and I had finally got the hang of this whole marriage thing (it only took 6 years) and now this cute little baby is going to ruin it! We will never travel, have long conversations, or see the inside of a movie theater again! This does not have to be your truth. God has blessed your family with an amazing gift that has the power to draw you closer, not tear you apart.

There are several ways couples can make this transition a little easier. The first of these is communication. We all know how important this is in a marriage, and it is of even greater importance when a baby enters the picture. A few important topics of conversation should be parenting styles, expectations, and fears. The more you discuss the fear of the “unknown”, the more “known” it will become.  This conversation should begin the moment you find out you are going to become parents and never end! It is important that you both get to a place where you are comfortable telling the other what you need from them, and how they can best love and serve you. This will help to create a strong foundation and lay the ground work for the “new” family dynamic.

After the baby comes things will inevitably get a little crazy. Sleep becomes a thing of the past, and that little bundle of joy is taking up an incredibly large amount of your time. One or both spouses may begin to feel neglected or unappreciated. It is in these stressful moments that we have an important choice to make: are you going to have a "breakdown moment" or a "growth moment"? When we are sleep deprived and exhausted it is easy to jump straight to the hurtful comments and dirty looks, but this will only serve to weaken the marriage and make caring for your little one even more difficult. It is so important to stop, take a deep breath and TALK about what is going on. Share in a nice way (I know...easier said than done) how you are feeling. This conversation can be a catalyst for positive and growth producing change. When my son was a newborn and I was home all day with him, I couldn't wait for my husband to walk in from work so I could run to him and...no, not kiss him or welcome him home, but hand the screaming baby to him. He would get frustrated...I was frustrated, and after having plenty of "breakdown moments" we finally had a conversation and as a result, our "growth producing moment." I thought he was being selfish...after all, I had cared for the baby ALL day. I failed to even consider the fact that he had also just put in a 14 hr work day. We had a productive conversation and decided he would have 20 minutes to decompress after work and then come and help with the baby. It was a simple conversation, but had huge implications. The resentment that was slowly building ceased to exist. Communication is reparative and a catalyst to a healthy relationship.

It is vital that GRACE becomes a huge part of the marriage. We must learn to choose our battles, and have the strength to walk away and let it go when it will be more beneficial to the relationship. As much as you want to scream at your husband that it is clearly his turn to change the dirty diaper, it might be easier and better for your marriage to take one for the team! You are both exhausted and trying to navigate this baby thing together. Make the choice to be a team. Teammates support each other; they cover for each other when the other can’t quite do it; they cheer for the other when he/she succeeds (you got the baby to burp...way to go honey!). Give grace and give the gift of forgiveness.

A new member has joined the family unit, but this does not mean you have to put your marital relationship on the back burner. Make it your mission and priority to create time for your spouse. Take the baby on a walk together, spend 20 minutes every morning or evening talking, find a reliable babysitter and go get coffee or dinner once a week. It is difficult, but far from impossible! The healthier the marital relationship is, the healthier the entire family unit will be. The marital relationship is an important foundation for a healthy family system.
Marriage is an adventure and a baby will definitely add to the excitement. Healthy communication, acting as a team, giving the gift of grace, and creating time for each other will make the adventure even sweeter! Hang on tight and enjoy the ride!