Just
as our cars need fuel in order to run optimally, love is a child's deepest need
and is emotional fuel for him. Children need all five of these love
languages in order to keep their emotional tanks full; however, most have a
primary love language that satisfies more than others.
The
first love language is physical touch. The most common forms of
expression are hugs and kisses; however, this language is not limited to only
these two. Some examples of ways that you can express this language to
your children include: reading a story while they are on your lap, spinning
them around, brushing their hair, massaging their arms with lotion, and tossing
them up and down. They key is to make sure that the touch is healthy and
age-appropriate.
The
second love language is words of affirmation. This can be accomplished
through words of affection, endearment, praise, encouragement, and
guidance. It's crucial that the words "I love you" never be
polluted with conditional statements. Practice this language by expressing
appreciation for a child's specific behavior or commenting daily about what you
like about your child. If coming up with affirmations is challenging,
compile in advance a working list of "words of affirmations" to use
at appropriate times.
The
third love language is quality time. This requires the parent's undivided
attention towards a specific activity such as storytelling, conversing,
playing, and sharing feelings. This language is convenient as it can be
expressed anywhere. Some childhood misbehavior is an attempt
to obtain attention because in their minds negative attention is
still attention. Try spending a little extra one-on-one time with your
child and you might see an improvement in his behavior.
The
fourth love language is gifts. For this language to be received, the gift
cannot be payment for services rendered, but a true expression of love towards
the child given in a sincere and unconditional way. Gifts have no price
value and can be as simple as something that others may see as a basic
necessity such as school clothes or shoes. The key is making a big deal
out of the gift by wrapping it and possibly presenting it in front of others.
The child will love the whole process and take pride in showing off the
gift to others.
The
fifth love language is acts of service. Serving is more about doing what
is best for the child rather than focused on pleasing him. Parenting in
and of itself is a selfless act of service that doesn't have a predetermined
ending date. Parents express this love language through such means as
preparing meals, hosting gatherings, helping with homework, providing for the
family, and fixing something that's broken. The ultimate purpose of
service is to teach children how to compassionately and genuinely serve others
which will help mold them into mature adults.
Children
will not have a primary language until about five years of age or older. Up
until that age, children need all five love languages equally in order to
develop emotionally. Discovering your child's primary love language can
take time. There are clues all around you; however, it's up to the parent
to play detective. Take into consideration these following five suggestions as
you seek to unveil your child's primary love language.
1.
Observe how your child expresses love to you.
2.
Observe how your child expresses love to others.
3.
Listen to what your child requests most often.
4.
Notice what your child most frequently complains about.
5.
Give your child a choice between two options.
It
may take time and energy; however the rewards of keeping your child's emotional
love tank full will far outweigh any efforts and last the rest of his/her
life.
For
more information about love languages in children, please refer to the
following resource:
Chapman,
G., & Campbell, R. (1997). The five love languages of
children. Chicago: Northfield Publishing.
