Grace in Transitions

by Deb Torell, M.A., LPC, LMFT

     George looked out the front window of his home, noticing with alarm the funnel cloud moving in slow motion toward his neighborhood.  He heard the tornado sirens go off and quickly ushered his wife, his three small children, and the family dog into the basement just as the winds hit.  In less than 60 seconds the neighborhood that he had lived in for much of his life was decimated.  George and his family and their neighbors were alive, but their formerly stable, secure, kind of “ho-hum” existence was instantly transformed into a nightmare of homelessness and uncertainty.  They would need a great deal of grace in the days ahead.

            Mary could not wait for the big wedding day coming up in a few short weeks.  She and Rick had met in college, courted for a year and a half, saved their money, and excitedly planned for this day to come.  Everything would be perfect; her dress, the music, the food, the presence of her friends and family, and then the honeymoon!  She and Rick were as prepared as they felt they could be.  But transitions always bring some surprises. What would they be?  Going from singleness to a twosome is a transition.  Whether easy or hard, they would need grace in the days ahead.

            Helen went in to work as usual this Friday morning.  She had been working as an administrative assistant in this company for 18 years.  She was hoping to be able to work until she reached the age of 68; this would enhance her retirement portfolio and give her a better feeling of security after the death of her husband two years ago.  On her desk was an envelope.  She opened it to find a pink slip.  What a way to announce the downsizing!  Her world suddenly caved in and she unexpectedly was in the midst of a transition.  She would need a good deal of grace in the days ahead.

            Stability, according to Webster’s Dictionary, is the quality or state of being firmly established.  It is predictable, constant, and unchanging; helping us to feel secure and safe.  We all desire stability in our lives and work hard to keep it when we have it.

Balancing the Give and Take in Your Relationship

by Tiffany Kingsfield, M.A., LAPC

Tiffany Kingsfield, M.A., LAPC

     Romantic relationships:  What else in life provide so much joy, but can also cause such profound pain?

     In “Love Busters: Protecting your Relationship from Habits that Destroy Romantic Love,” Willard F. Harley, Jr. explains the six primary “Love Busters” that damage relationships. Couples are introduced to the concepts of the internal “Giver” and “Taker,” which affect each partner’s “Love Bank.”

 

      According to Harley, the Love Bank is where we accrue “love units” when someone makes us feel good. When our partner shows us love, appreciation and affection, our Love Bank balance goes up. When our partner criticizes, betrays or ignores us, our Love Bank balance goes down. Harley states that we each have within us a “Giver” and a “Taker.”

     Our Giver is caring, compassionate and concerned for the welfare of others. The Giver says,    “Do whatever you can to make others happy and avoid anything that makes others unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy.” This half of us is more likely to make deposits into our partner’s Love Bank. The other half is our Taker. The Taker says, “Do whatever you can to make yourself happy and avoid anything that makes you unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy.” This half is more likely to deplete our partner’s Love Bank.  

     The first Love Buster is making "Selfish Demands" or commanding your partner to do things that would benefit you at your partner’s expense. We all have needs and at times need to make requests of our partner that will benefit us.  However, when the Taker shows little compassion for how the request will affect their partner the Love Bank balance is in jeopardy. In order to combat Selfish Demands Harley recommends what he calls the Policy of Joint Agreement in which you never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your partner.  

Social Media - Self Love or Self Loathe

By Elisa Torell, M.A., LAPC 

Elisa Torell

     I recently read an article by writer Jessica Winter, Selfie-Loathing, on Slate.com which claimed that social media applications, such as Facebook and Instagram, have been found to correlate with feelings of loneliness, depression, and low self-esteem.

     “Loitering through photos and posts of others can often provoke feelings of jealousy and overall dissatisfaction with our own lives; we infer that others are happier, wealthier, and more successful than we are,” said Winter.

     There is no question that the social media has completely changed our society. The way we relate and connect with each other has changed dramatically in less than 20 years.

      People have shorter attention spans. The way information travels through social media seems to be quicker than wildfire. Unfortunately not all of these changes have been positive when it comes to human relationships.

     I frequently have conversations with clients who have experienced some form of rejection, hurt, or jealousy as a result of social media. So is social media the evil?

Meet Our New Intern...Jessica Bello

By Jinna Marbry, B.S.
Fountain Gate CC Program Manager



Jessica Bello, Clinical Intern

     On May 21, 2013 Fountain Gate launched the second year of its internship program with the addition of two new interns to the family. Jessica Bello and Bruce Knight are graduate level interns from Richmont Graduate University in the Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy (MAMFT) Program. As we welcome our counselors into the fold we would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to the second of our interns in this newsletter.

    Please welcome our new intern…Jessica Bello.

     Jessica Bello, was born the normal Orange County California girl; she grew up loving the sunshine and fast paced American lifestyle, quite the opposite of her traditional Colombian parents.

    Even as a child Jessica had a desire for helping others and enjoyed observing how people communicated with one another. It was this desire that eventually led to Jessica become a school teacher working with elementary and middle-school children in both Colombia and Georgia. Yet it was Jessica’s Christian faith that would lead to her most important steps of becoming a pastor’s wife and seeking a career in counseling.

    In 2008, Jessica thought her life was all planned out; she had just married her husband of two weeks, David (Youth Pastor at Iglesia Nuevo Horizonte Church) and was looking forward to settling into a bright future. However, Jessica’s life was turned upside down upon hearing that her mother, Bertha, who now lived in Colombia, was diagnosed with cancer.

Encouraging Those Who Follow

By Jinna Marbry, B.S.
Fountain Gate CC Program Manager
     On May 21, 2013 Fountain Gate launched the second year of its internship program with the addition of two new interns to the family. Jessica Bello and Bruce Knight are graduate level interns from Richmont Graduate University in the Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy (MAMFT) Program. As we welcome our counselors into the fold we would like to take this opportunity to introduce them to you in coming newsletters.

Please welcome our new intern…Bruce Knight.



Bruce Knight, Clinical Intern

     Bruce Knight, a Virginia native, grew up fast. After losing his father at the age of 12 Bruce struggled for a number of his teen years with rebellious behavior until at age 19 he found his Christian path. While on his journey Bruce acquired a Masters of Divinity degree from Liberty University and met the love of his life and wife of 31 years, Kitty.

     After graduating from Liberty, Bruce and Kitty moved to New York City where they founded the New York Baptist Bible Church with Bruce serving as pastor and began raising their two daughters, Erin (28) and Laura (23). Unfortunately for Bruce and Kitty the pressure of juggling marriage, ministry, and raising young children began to take its toll as Bruce shares.

     “Following the six years in New York my wife and I spent almost two decades in what I would call a roller coaster and ping pong recovery mode. At one point in time we were separated for almost a year. Through all the ups and downs, pain and suffering, and a few really good churches we have come to the place where our relationship is the best it has ever been.”

     Yet while the road was rocky it was this journey to healing that brought Bruce to his true aspiration of working with couples and families in crisis.

     “All that I have experienced has led me to the place of pursuing a marriage and family therapy program with Richmont. Both my wife and I have a passion for coming alongside couples, families, and individuals in their time of pain. The grace and healing that we have experienced, we now desire to pass on to those who are in the midst of it.”

The Challenge of Change

by Deb Torell, M.A., LPC, LMFT

Change:  To make different in some particular; to make a shift from one to another, transformation.

In counseling school, we learned that most people do not willingly make a shift, a change, or a transition unless the place where they are feels more painful than the pain of the anticipated change.

Resistance to change is quite common, even when someone hates the place that they are in.  Most people would prefer that the situation change, or another person change, rather than consider that they themselves could change.  The ego self, at a deep level, is quite unsure of the benefits of change.

But the journey of personal growth and maturity, by its very nature, requires that each of us change.  The change is not to be an outward one, that is, just a change in our behavior.  The change actually requires inward transformation.  Change from the inside out is true change.  This type of change takes time.  I love what Geneen Roth, in her book Breaking Free from Emotional Eating, says about change:

   “Change generally happens the way a plant grows slowly, without

force, and with the essential nutrients of love and patience, and a

willingness to remain constant through periods of stasis.”

Psychologists have come up with various models of how change occurs.  The model that seems to be most simple (and the one I like the best) starts out with a person not even considering trying to achieve change, or the ”pre-contemplation” stage. 

Next, often because something or someone is urging them, the person begins to “contemplate” making a change, believing that change may be possible. But they may not be quite sure.  This is often the place where people get stuck.  But hopefully, at some point, the person gets beyond ambivalence, and decides to try to achieve change. 

The third stage in the process of change happens when the person begins to “prepare” for the change.  This is when the person gets the information needed to make a shift, learning the best way to go about making change.

The fourth stage is the “action” phase.  The person begins to implement their plan and over time, achieves change!

Finally, the person works to “maintain” the achieved changes.  There may be some lapse or relapse here, but the determined person is on his or her way to a new way of being in the area of change. 

Joyce Rupp, in her book, Open the Door: The Journey to the True Self, shares poem written by a twelve year old girl on the night before she was struck and killed by an automobile.  Her poem contains wisdom for the journey of change.  I share her poem with you here:

 

            Look at me-----

            I’m walking through a door

            My life is changing and it’s just perfect now

            No more doors for me

            They’re too hard to get through

            I’m staying here where it’s safe-----

            No, child,

            Those doors are a part of you

            You can’t ignore them

            ‘Cause they’re there

            You’ve got to go through them

            Who knows what you’ll find

            You’ve got to meet their trial

            If you don’t, you won’t be what you should become

            There are always gonna be doors and you

            Can’t stop ‘em from comin’

            You’ve got to go through them to grow

            It’s called change

            Look at the wildflower; it changes all the time

            Always blossoming or closing up, sprouting or withering

            You’re scared to go through those doors

            Into the unknowing, “into change”

            You don’t know what’s going to happen

            You don’t know what change is going to bring

            Listen to me

            Go through those doors with hope

            Go through those doors knowing change is the future and you’re a part of

                        it

             You don’t know what change is, that’s why you’re scared

            Change is the sun booming over the horizon

            Scattering rays of hope to a new day

            Change is a baby lamb meeting the world for the first time

            Change is growing from a young child to a young woman

            Change is beautiful; you will learn to love it.

                                                -----Mary Katherine Lidle (1982)

Mary Katherine, even in her short life, captured the truth about change:  we must give ourselves to it.  We ought not to fear it, but embrace it, welcome it. 

Counseling is about change, a shift in one’s way of being…transformation really.  If we let it, it will stretch us, cause us to search more deeply, and hopefully become a little freer, both emotionally and mentally.  May we all be challenged to “go through those doors with hope”, accepting and adapting to the possibility of true transformation, trusting that the growth and maturity it brings will benefit not only each of us as individuals, but those we love as well.

 

Roth, Geneen, Breaking Free from Emotional Eating, Penguin Books, Ltd., (London:

            2004), p.139.

Rupp, Joyce, Open the Door: A Journey to the True Self, Sorin Books, (Notre

             Dome, In.: 2008), pp 34-35.

Don’t Stay Away! (Why People Avoid Counseling)

By Craig Torell, M.A., M.Div., LAPC, LAMFT

People come to counseling because they are unhappy. Something is not going well in their lives or in the lives of people around them. It may involve circumstances at home, work, school, or a combination of all three. Their attempts to fix or improve the problem have failed, but they also believe that something has to change – things cannot go on the way they are. They need an outside, objective person to help them clearly identify the core issues involved, and to identify and help them accomplish the changes necessary to resolve the situation.

So what’s not to like about counseling? Why would people hesitate to seek relief from mental and emotional confusion or pain? What prevents people from making a simple phone call to inquire about counseling services, or to come in to talk about what’s going on in their lives? The fact is that the field of “counseling” has been burdened with stigmas that are based on inaccurate information and distorted perceptions of therapy, its goals, and its potential.

Let’s look at several common objections or misunderstandings related to counseling.

 

Counseling is for weaklings and losers – I should be able to fix my problems myself, and certainly not go to people I don’t even know for help. As social creatures, we are not designed to “go it alone”; no individual has all of the mental, emotional, and spiritual resources needed to meet every life challenge. Counselors are trained and skilled to develop healing relationships with people from a wide variety of backgrounds.

Counseling is for crazies, nuts, and freaks – people who need counseling are “mentally ill” and belong in an institution —the further away from society, the better. Most people in counseling do not exhibit “extreme” or “strange” behavior; they come to counseling from many walks in life, and normally continue with their everyday lives and activities while engaging in counseling sessions.

I just need a little more time to figure this thing out – somehow, it will get better, even though I don’t know how. This is a popular definition of insanity: “Doing things the same way while expecting a different result.” It’s a form a denial, and only prolongs a person’s unhappiness.

A counselor is just a “paid friend” – it’s not really a relationship with someone who truly cares about you. A counselor is trained and motivated to display warmth, love, empathy, genuineness, and respect – it’s the only way that counseling can have a real and lasting effect.

I (or he or she) can’t change – some people are too far gone to be helped. Human beings are adaptable, and can actually change in a variety of ways at any stage or age in life.

My problems are unique – no one could possibly understand what I’m going through, so how could anyone help me? It is true that each person’s life story is different, but counselors are able to exercise empathy to perceive and validate your thoughts and feelings, joining with you at the point of your pain.

Counseling will make me look like a fool – it’s all about making me cry and talking about “how I feel” about everything. The goal of counseling is healing, not displays of emotion. Some people are more comfortable talking about feelings than others; counselors enter into your journey at your level of communication and experience.

Counseling is invasive and intrusive – I’ll be forced to talk about private things that are nobody’s business. Professional counselors do not force you to do anything you are not ready or willing to do. Counseling is a collaboration – a team effort – between therapist and clients.

Counseling is an old-fashioned practice – lying on a couch, talking to a doctor (“shrink”) who is stroking his beard, smoking a pipe, and telling me all the things that are wrong with me. We have couches, but they are for sitting on. Our counselors are not doctors; they have Masters Degrees in Professional Counseling, Marriage and Family Therapy, and Clinical Social Work. We do not follow a “medical model,” dispensing advice in a one-sided conversation; rather, we help clients see their situations clearly and consider their reasonable options so that they can come to their own conclusions.

Counseling is like talking to a mirror – the counselor will just repeat back everything I say. Counselors do not repeat back what clients say in a rote fashion; rather, they work hard to “think your thoughts and feel your feelings,” reflecting back what they hear in a way that makes clients feel deeply understood.

A counselor will make me do things I’m not comfortable with – like talking to an empty chair while pretending someone is sitting in it, or using silly finger puppets. There are hundreds of therapies and counseling techniques, but professional counselors will not introduce any type of therapeutic method without receiving your permission.

My friend/relative/family member/co-workers told me that counseling is worthless (and maybe even dangerous!) – I’ve heard that people can even get worse instead of better. Research has proven that counseling is effective for a wide variety of life problems. During the process of counseling a person may “feel” worse temporarily while facing difficult issues, but the end result will be positive.

A counselor might call a psychiatric hospital and have me committed – as soon as I say the wrong thing, I’ll be carted away in a straightjacket. If you make statements that lead your counselor to believe that you are a threat to yourself or others, the counselor will take time to carefully evaluate and clarify the seriousness of your mental condition prior to taking any action. This is an exceedingly rare event.

A counselor will label me with some type of “mental illness” that will stay with me for the rest of my life – it will affect my ability to get the schooling or job I want in the future. If you choose to pay for counseling with insurance, the insurance company will require a formal mental health diagnosis code. Otherwise, any diagnostic information remains in your private record and will only be released with your permission.

Counseling shows a lack of faith in God – if I just believed God’s Word and praised the Lord more my troubles would quickly disappear. “All truth is God’s truth.” This means that any insights the mental health profession has learned about how we think, feel, and behave are insights into how God has created us. Consequently, any legitimate counseling techniques that alleviate a person’s discomfort and distress can be seen as expressions of the grace of God.

Counseling will bankrupt me – I can’t possibly afford to pay someone for several sessions of therapy. Insurance coverage normally pays for a at least a limited amount of counseling sessions. For those who have used up their coverage, or who do not have insurance to cover counseling costs, counselors often have sliding scale rates that make counseling affordable. Fountain Gate is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization that offers counseling exclusively on a siding scale basis.

Many people begin to feel better as soon as they call to inquire about counseling services. It’s a concrete action that can give a person a sense of hope. We encourage you to “try out” the counseling process for a few sessions to see what it’s like—there’s no obligation to continue if you feel it’s not helping you. At Fountain Gate we have provided counseling services to nearly 2000 people in the past 5 years, and we would be honored to join with you in your path to healing and wholeness.