As we
approach the holidays, many of us will face a difficult conversation with relatives, in-laws, or even our spouse. So what is it
that makes a conversation difficult? How do we navigate in the midst of a
difficult conversation so the relationship can stay afloat and not crash on
impact? I’m glad you asked. Members of
the Harvard Negotiation Project put their findings together and wrote a book
called, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. While a
newsletter only allows me to give you some highlights of their findings, I
encourage you to read the book if you find the information I’m sharing
informative.
The authors
describe three types of difficult conversations:
The “What happened?” conversations. These are conversations where
someone makes assumptions about what happened and are based on what we believe to be true, what intentions they believe the other person
has, and tends to use blame. The hallmark of these conversations is
people disagree, and while arguing feels natural, it’s not helpful. When people
disagree, we often assume they are being selfish, controlling, naïve, or
irrational so we try to break through by persistence, by educating them, or
pretending it doesn’t matter. Unfortunately none of these tactics work because
people typically do not change unless they feel heard.
The Feelings Conversations: Naturally strong feelings arise
when we engage in a difficult conversation, so it isn’t about pretending we
don’t have feelings, it’s what we do with them. Strong feelings make it hard to
be rational and they can cloud judgment. It’s challenging to talk about
feelings because it makes us feel more vulnerable, but not talking about them
can make them fester, so finding ways to talk about them involves some skill.
Here are a couple pointers about how to bring up feelings in a conversation: 1)
Start by sorting out what you are feeling. 2) Negotiate with your feelings. What are you
telling yourself that makes you feel like you do? Questions you may want to ask
yourself: What might the other person’s
story be? How does my view of their intentions affect how I feel? How might my
actions have impacted them? Can I
describe the other person’s contribution without blaming? and 3) Share your
actual feelings, not judgments or attributions about the other person.
Identity Conversations: These
conversations are about who we are and how we see ourselves. For example: If
you ask for a raise, and your boss says no, even though you have the self-image
you are a competent, respected employee, it can feel like your self-image is on
the line. You could lose confidence, forget what you want to say, or feel
paralyzed. There are three common identity themes: Am I competent?...Am I a good person?...Am I worthy of love?
Grappling with these identity issues is what life and growth are all about. The
truth about us is that we all make mistakes and admitting a mistake doesn’t
make you weak or incompetent. Be honest with yourself that you won’t always
have purely positive motives, because motivations are complex and multifaceted.
Take responsibility for what you may have contributed to the problem. Do not define your identity on the basis of
a difficult conversation.
Four things to do to
help you maintain your balance before or during a difficult conversation:
1) Let go of trying to
control their reaction. It’s understandable you don’t want to hurt them, but
you have no power over their reaction, and it can be destructive to try.
2) Project yourself into your future, and reassure yourself you will
eventually feel better. Imagine that you will learn from the experience.
3)
Sometimes you may find you feel too overwhelmed or too close to the problem and
you need time to untangle your thoughts. Ask to take a break to think about it,
check for any distortions or gaps in your perception, and give yourself time to
regain your balance rather than say things that may make it worse.
4) While you may be aware
during the difficult conversation that you are struggling with an identity
issue, sharing it explicitly in the conversation probably won’t move it
forward. Recognize identity is something you need to work out on your own. Find
the courage to ask for help.
Here are some liberating assumptions related to identity: It’s not all my responsibility to make things better… It is
my responsibility to do my best… They
have limitations too… They can’t change overnight... This
conflict is not who I am… Letting go doesn’t mean I no longer care.
Speaking of getting help, remember Fountain Gate for all your
counseling needs. You may even want to recommend it for someone with who you
have difficult conversations with, but remember that too may be a difficult
conversation.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Stone, D., Patton, B, & Heen, S. (1999). Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What
Matters Most. New York, NY: Penquin
Group (USA) Inc.
